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12:20 p.m. - 2003-12-15
Getting on with it.
The lady in the cube beside mine has been playing Garth Brooks, the same CD, over and over all morning long. And the lady in the cube on the other side of me has been playing Christmas tunes all morning long. One or the other is OK. Although Garth the first time around was quite enough. Although Garth is one of the only country artists that I can tolerate, I can only tolerate so much. But I'm on sensory overload.

I'm feeling a little better since last weeks traumatic events. But a night out Saturday with Sully and our entrepeneur metro-sexual friend left me sort of in stitches at points, then down in the dumps at others.

Its been years since I've had a real date, complete with man, dinner/movie/walk in the park, whatever. I don't seek men out often, but when I do, I am just so disappointed. I look around me and find snotty, too well dressed, selfish pricks. Cold, paranoid, stuck-up, cliquish pieces of work. And freaks who think its OK to sexually assault a woman with a teeny-tiny penis just because she's there.

Its at these times that I miss Europe. I miss going out and talking to men just to talk. To be friendly, smile and strike up a conversation without being snubbed, warned off, or weenie rubbed. I miss men who enjoy life, women and a good conversation. Men who don't look to their friends for pre-approval before dancing with a chick. Men who don't ask if I'm kinky, or show me their dicks within the first three sentences of introduction.

My metro-sexual friend T made the same observation. He has spent a lot of time on the road promoting his business. A recent trip took him to Vermont, where he easily moved among the locals, and was taken in like an old friend. I think he experienced a culture shock coming back to B-town. Every attempt to chat up a girl left him chapped with antipathy and indifference. He's a very handsome guy with nice hair, nice body, great personality and one of those voices that makes you shut you eyes halfway and smile smile a little. There's no reason any woman should be put off by his attention. Yet, even those who obviously put a lot of effort into their appearance in order to be noticed by men turned their noses up and gave him the cold shoulder.

Its B-town. Its ignorance. Its an expectation above anything one could find in the real world that I prefer to live in. It makes me miss Europe so badly. It makes me want to cruise every year where people makes sense. Where crew members invite me below decks to party because I am the only young person on board and they want to get to know me. It makes me yearn for men who speak with their eyes and soft body language, instead of speaking in harsh, horney tones.

I know what an erect penis looks like, and I know what it means. You don't have to hit me over the head with it to make me understand. And you really don't need to interrogate me before you even know my name to make sure I'll do whatever it is you're looking for. If that's your style, fuck off. I don't want you.

I used to think that women who complained that all the good men were taken were silly and stupid. But wow! Its really something else out there.

Its really too bad that entreprenur friend and I never got together. But there was never any real chemistry. Despite his whorishness, I would have been happy to boil him and make him mine. But without chemistry, there's really nothing to build upon, is there? Too bad. We think so much alike on so many levels. He loves to travel... He's a great kisser. But recreational kissing does not a relationship make. Its funny how you can enjoy kissing a man, but not want to have sex with him. Weird.

So, I will make the effort to get over this hump and open my mind to the possibilities again. Maybe its the holiday blues nipping at my nose. It just seems that the holidays should be a lot warmer somehow. They've been so cold since my father died all those years ago. I guess I'm looking to fill the void still. Sad, huh? I need to get a life.


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