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9:45 a.m. - 2004-03-29
F-ing up.
I suppose I was remiss in giving updates last week. Things got crazy, then I started pooping like a maniac, then I got cruise fever and everything went by the wayside.

Mom is doing very well. She feels great and is pretty much back to her usual routine. She even enjoyed our yearly Birthday jaunt to my favorite restaurant for the brunch buffet. She can eat meat and soft foods like eggs and mashed potatoes. And Sweets. Lots of sweets.

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 33. Which is cool because both numbers match. I am two years less than 35, when I'll have a big blow out bash, because any excuse for a party is a good excuse, and the fives have special meaning.

So, from my mom I got a gift certif for my hair salon, an antique cruise ship pin (very avant gard and cute!), and some Dollar Store fancy soaps from my dog. She is such a dear.

My god kids came over for cake and ice cream. They made me cards and pictures of some unidentifiable things that I gushed over. They are so sweet!

Their father is out of work for a week between temp jobs, and they are hurting, so it was nice to give them a little respite. I entertained the kids, and the parents had real, adult conversation with my mom and step-dad. I think it meant a lot to them to talk to adults who were not critical of their financial situation. Its all they hear about from their parents.

You know, people pretty much know when they've fucked up. Telling them repeatedly doesn't reverse bad decisions, nor shower money on poor people. Tempting to do, yes. But no, doesn't do a damn thing but dampen the self esteen all the more and encourage binge-shopping.


So, on that subject, we all know I'm a debt queen. Yes, I've been there and done that and bought the t-shirt. I was once addicted to clothes, designer make-up and skin care products. In the effort to look thinner and look prettier I've bought thousands of dollars worth of make-up and clothes and shoes. I've bought myself oodles of dinners out, lunches out, snacks to fill in the void of who knows what.

I am also a fuck up. Yes, me, Zen, is a fuck up. But, I've been fortunate. No one has thrown it in my face. No one stopped loving me because I've spent thousands of dollars on frivilous things. My friends and family have been nothing but supportive. I have a mom who is dying for me to live with her. Which I will be doing in a couple months.

One last run. One last surge to the end point. One last break towards 100% unsecured debt freeness.

Freedom awaits, and if I have to tuck my tail between my legs and run home for one more year, I can suck it up.

I am very lucky. And when I get there, I will make it my purpose to be of assistance towards others who have done the same thing to themselves, or are at risk. I don't know how yet, but I will do something to make this world a safer place for young, innocent, vulnerable consumers.

So with that, I'm back to work. 7 days and counting...


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