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9:13 a.m. - 2004-05-14
Really living.
I've come to a place of resignation. An acceptance of my health situation. I haven't watched ER in years, but last night's episode drew me in. I was sickened and horrified at the car accident victim. After a similar episode of Homicide, on a subway, I have been traumatized.

But it was the young, black kid's situation that touched me. A seventeen year old with high blood pressure so severe he was hosptialized. 17.

I've been whining and complaining about being so young to have all this crap going on, but I never thought about kids who have to put up with it far younger than I ever did. And worse.

I don't want to leave this earth like my father who never reached 40. A young parent of two children who loved him so much. I don't want to follow in those footsteps. Granted, I have a better shot of avoiding heart disease than he ever did. They didn't have cholesterol meds in seventies. They didn't have stents to open up the arteries. He didn't have a shot.

I have a shot. Medically, mentally, and physically. I don't want to look down from heaven with regret that I could have done something to extend this wonderful life that I have with my family and friends. I don't want to leave anyone behind until we're good and old and clacking our teeth at eachother in a nursing home.

So tonight, I'm hitting Curves, then heading down to a friend's new house to watch a movie on her new 52 inch HDTV.

Saturday, I'll probably go yardsale-ing or something outdoorsy. Then its off to B-town for a movie and a night out, possibly with H. I hope he's ready for me, because I'm in the mood to yell abusive allegations against him. Just to get it out of my system. Sissy!


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