9:08 a.m. - 2004-06-28
Courage and fear.
I arrived in The City this weekend filled with anger and hurt and a little depressed about life. I had gone into the relationship with H all tough, and thinking I was being very modern and pioneerish. Wanting nothing of attachments or feelings.
But, being "dumped" was a bit of a reality check. Having a little of what I thought I wanted, then having it taken away abruptly was an eye opener.
I had a long conversation with Mardi Gras Mike Friday night. Who would have thought? He and I blew The Bar at around midnight in search of a different view. We ended up at a place I'd been to with Six and her cousin which is basically a tiki bar/dance club in the middle of redneck city.
We sat outside and had a heart to heart about fuck buddies and their place in life. And he called me on it.
The truth is, I'm not so much upset about the way I found out. I'm upset because I broke the rules. I had feelings for my fuck buddy. I grew attached.
My great experiment failed. Sex and feelings cannot be separate for me. If I have sex with it, its because I like it and want to be special and important in it's eyes. And now, I'm not feeling very special or important. I feel disposed of.
I'm just so glad it happened now rather than later. H and I don't belong together. There are just too many differences in the fundamentals. Its a damned if you do damned if you don't situation. Either way, I'd be miserable eventually. I'd rather get over a small upset now than feel the pain of too many years with the wrong man later, when it might really be too late to have what I want.
Besides, he really IS an asshole, and assholes make better friends than lovers.
So, with that said, its time to move on.
On Saturday, Six, Batten and I made plans to meet up with another D-land gal for lunch. But Six was in puking hell and in no shape to have lunch of all things. She was still in the active stage an hour before we had planned to meet up with the girls. So, I ran out to get her some coke, then headed over to the restaurant.
Lunch was great. After such a heavy night, it was great to decompress with smart, compassionate women. Batten was full of supportive hugs, and Nac just has a healing presence about her. One of those people who soothe just being near.
We had so much to talk about. Mostly about D-land and how it has become an integral part of our lives in different ways. I for one do not know how I've gotten along in life without it. I depend of the outlet, the friendships and the resources I find in other diaries. I've learned so much about life through the eyes and words of strangers.
I used to be afraid of people, when I was kid. I grew to be suspicious and distrustful. I lived within myself, occasionally seeking out misfits and trying to raise them up a bit through my friendship. Misfits were safe. Misfits were grateful for a friend. I was grateful for them. Every fat girl, boy with zits or kid with a disability was an opportunity for me to forge a relationship and band together with others for safety.
Everyone else? Scared to death of them. Until I met The Boys. Lemme tell you. Sully scared the living crap out of me at first. I couldn't believe that a nice girl like Six was friends with him. He was a wild one in the tradition of Jim Morrison. Exactly the kind of look and feel of the teens who used to chase me around the development with knives and joints for the pure pleasure of torturing a harmless, gentle little kid.
I was scared of him until I got to know him. Then, he was just Sully. Sully would never hurt an innocent little kid. In fact, he'd be the first to stand up against a bully. So, maybe men with long hair and Budweiser for blood weren't so bad after all.
Then I got here, and learned a lot about depression, living with bi-polar conditions and other challenges' And I learned that people who have these conditions aren't evil like my high school boyfriend's mother. I had such a prejudice againt folks with these conditions, because of one horrible experience.
Another eye opener. My life has been full of them lately. And I think they were there all the time, but I am finally beginning to see.
And look at me now, hanging out at The Bar with The Boys and the toothless men who want be my boyfriends. Courage is my middle name. Lemme tell ya.
