12:35 p.m. - 2004-09-13
Bets, Pottery and Grief.
This weekend was hard. Really hard.
It started out great. I went to the local casino and made a couple bucks. Not bad entertainment for a Friday evening at home. They had a funk band playing that was very over the top, but provided a good laugh. Free drinks were served by women dressed in old fashioned skank wear. I didn't mind the free drinks, but, again, the delivery was laughable.
Saturday morning was spent at a local craftsmen festival. I found two incredible pieces of pottery that spoke to my Zen heart, so I purchased them and made the potter feel very good about herself. Then I left my check card with her so I had no money for the weekend. Which sucked ass, but overall not a disaster.
Saturday night I hung out with Sixweasels and old friends from college who were full of good news and hilarity. It was good to see them content and moving forward with life.
Then it got hard. Six and I went to Sully's to try to help cosole him. He had lost one of his best friends earlier in the week, and was feeling raw and low and guilty. This friend was out of state for the majority of the last ten years or so, but before he left, he and Sully were inseparable. Some of Sully's best memories are with this guy, running around in the late 80's, early 90's getting laid, or preventing eachother from getting laid by being crude and insulting to eachother's potential lays.
They ran together, doing bad things that bad boys do, but Sully grew up, and M didn't. M got deeper and deeper, resulting in Sully turning him away on occasion to prevent those elements from his past life encroaching on his present. It hurt him to turn away a friend, but M wasn't the same person. Sully held out hope that M would turn around, and it seemed that he had. He at least had made the attempt.
But last week, M had a heart attack and died. No further details. He died at home, shortly after calling Sully, who was at his sister's for dinner. Sully missed that last call from his best friend before he died. And Sully has taken that to heart and feels that M called him for help. M trusted Sully above anyone to help. And Sully wasn't there.
Poor Sully will have to live with that with the rest of his life. It doesn't matter that it wasn't his fault. It doesn't matter that he wouldn't have been able to save his friend. He will live with that guilt on his heart forever.
I'm still feeling down, and worried for my own friend. I know he tends to numb himself with booze (who do I know that doesn't?), but right now, he needs to FEEL so he can start the grieving process. You can't heal until you allow yourself to grieve. I know all about that.
So, those of you who pray, and those of you who don't, please keep our Sully in your thoughts. He's such a sensitive guy, and he's hurting really bad right now.
