9:29 a.m. - 2004-09-24
More on me.
Oh Jesis. I love each and every one of you who wrote such nice things to me yesterday in my notes. Family of choice indeed.
This is so fucking tough. Its a draining effort to do the introspection and see, really see into my heart and brain clearly. I'd love to say that its great and fulfilling or something, but its really fucking uncomfortable and makes me want to cry. I won't stop though. Not for one blessed moment. Because the woman I will become will be grateful for this ungodly period of time in which I destroy the myths and become aware of what is.
I do see the light at the end of the tunnel. Its the first time I've felt hope. Real hope, not just a fantasy of hope. The pent up trauma that ties my spine in half and makes my stomach roll and leaves me feeling worthless and empty is one big, heaving load of falsehood that some day will no longer be my driving anthem. It will always be part of who I am, but it will not define what I will be.
I used to think that I had no right to feel abused and hurt and broken, but fuckin' A I do. I have as much right to be a girl screwed up by her home environment and intollerable situations as anyone else. I'm sick of putting up a facade that says "I'm great. I'm fine. I'm strong and complete."
My friends never asked me for it. I took it upon myself to continue the charade I was brought up with. But I know so deeply, that my true friends and family don't expect lies to make them more comfortable. They take me with all the wonderful things I am and all the weighty baggage I tow.
And I hope I return the favor in kind. I think I do, but I'm often self-absorbed these days, for good reasons. But sometimes I think I miss things because of it.
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