2:45 p.m. - 2004-09-29
Shadows and lifting.
This self-analysis is becoming excruciating. The more I open up the floodgates of the past, the more and more buried memories and blocked out events are coming to life. I know that our minds protect us from pain, and won't let us in on some things until we are ready.
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a plane, wanting to jump, but being too scared. Then again, I didn't ask for this recent unburying of events so I may just be pushed out without my consent. And that's OK. If my brain thinks I'm ready, then I must be. That's what I've read anyway.
Scary stuff. But I'm a brave girl. And I am facing down the demons with a baseball bat in hand. I am amazed sometimes, looking back, that I am still here. Not locked up in a loony bin, or off to the next world of my own volition. I am really proud of that. I think it must mean that I am strong, and that my life is going to be something really special. It already has been in many ways.
I'm off to a make-up yoga class today, since I missed a class on vacation. I did monitor my diet, but I'm thinking about an anti-gas fix just in case I have it, but don't feel it. When you contort and stretch your body, all kinds of things get releaed. Endorphines, muscles, emotions and...farts. And with all this emotion coursing through my stomach, I'm bound to have something go wrong.
I hope everyone is having a good day. Thank you all for the thoughts, prayers and notes. This diary has been a mechanism of change for me. I think that getting out the superficial junk on these pages has allowed me to go deeper. That's a blessing. It means that this heavy weight on my shoulders will be lifing in the future and I will be able to live without health problems and maybe even have a lighter heart.
What a great thing that will be.
