3:26 p.m. - 2004-11-18
I've come to the conclusion that most of my present day anger is rooted in pain that should have been anger at the time it was incurred.
Case in point.
I am mega angry at The Berzerker. Why? Dunno, because if I take a good hard look at him, what was I thinking? I've been strivig to capture the attention of the biggest, ugliest men for so many years, I've forgotten why I started on that kick in the first place.
Why? Because I know if I pursue and catch a wild man like The Berszerker, I won't be tempted to keep him. I'm scared to death to have a boyfriend. I'm scared that I'll lose my identity, that I'll be manipulated, that I'll be disrespected, that I'll be suffocated, that I'll be stuck in an unbalanced relationship. That's why I've consistantly looked for men who are so out of the realm of good boyfriend material.
So why be mad at The Berzerker because he is just one out of many men who have told me I am too good for them, but they want a fuck anyway. Why would I expect anything more? If I'm gonna fish in a cesspool, I'm gonna catch turds. You got it. Turds. Big rotten stinky ones like the kind that come out of Sully's ass.
So, its time to start working on my fear of relationships. Because I really, really deserve one. And deep inside, I know I'm damn good people and would make an awesome mate for some wonderful man. And that wonderful man is someone so unlike The Berzerker, H and every other man I have pursued to date.
He will care about what I feel, what I think, what I experience, who I am. He will understand where I've been and encourage me to grow and bloom. He will have a similar vision, and be working to improve his mind, body and spirit. He will appreciate my love for Yoga, outide of how flexible it makes me in bed (dickwads). He will have a similar desire to positively impact the lives of others. He will have my back, and protect me if I need it. He will push when he needs to, pull when he needs to, and hold me in place when I wobble.
And he will have a well cultivated inner asshole. That, my friends, is a must. Because without the asshole, life would be no fun, huh?
That's who I want. That's him. Anyone seem him recently?