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10:13 a.m. - 2005-03-29
A Zen's tale.
With all the heartache and trauma happening in the world, I am feeling humbled. I look back over my entries, and see a vain girl seeking attention and whining about how life is treating her unfairly.

I remember my pre-D-land days, before I had an outlet for my inner dreams and demons, and I was the least whiny person I knew. I walked around pretending I didn't have any problems, being strong, and not complaining.

While I know that wasn't exactly healthy, I wonder whether I shouldn't get back in touch with the more grown-up part of my personality. The part that isn't all me, me, me. Maybe do it better this time.

I'm just feeling so horrible about my minor complaints as compared to those who are losing their children, losing their parents, their homes and their own lives. Whether its a court battle, an earthquake or tragically misunderstood youth, so many people have lost recently. It breaks my heart.

There was a day when I wanted to be an ambassador. Then I decided that the high life wasn't for me. I wanted to work for a non-profit like Project Hope instead, travelling third world countries to offer medicine, hygiene education/infrastructure and independant means of raising food.

Then I got into severe credit card debt and lost hope of working for a non-profit. I did it to myself. Probably to hold myself back because I wasn't ready. Its hard to pay off significant debt while making a pitance and moving about frequently.

I gave up on myself years ago. I moved in with my mom, who was overjoyed to have a dependant. And I slowly let all my dreams die, my heart and creativity wither. I let my health get out of control, limiting the extent of my adventure travel, and became complacent. I accepted life as it was, on a leash of my own making.

I'm not whining. Just telling it like it is.

Where do I go from here? I still have 23,000 to pay off. And I will. Thanks to perseverance, I have excellent credit, and I was able to roll it all credit cards at 0% interest that will last through next June. I make a good salary. I'm going to live in a cheap, but safe and clean apartment to feel independance again. I was out on my own for a while, but I've been back with mom for almost a year to clear out more debt. But, it backfired because I was miserable there and spent more money to make myself feel better - NOT.

I'm on the road to being happy, creative, hopeful and brave again. I am determined to pay off the debt so I can have any career I want in a couple of years without having to worry about making enough to pay off the monster.

I am looking forward to making brave changes in my career and life in general. I can't tell you how powerful, yet peaceful that makes me feel. Things are happening in this world, and I am going to be a part of them. I'm not sure where I'll fit in yet, but I will find that place and stick to it.

Have a wonderful day all. And thank you for your love and support through this sometimes not so Zen journey.


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