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12:39 p.m. - 2005-06-01
Better every day.
After writing it all out yesterday, and crying for hours, I woke up with morning a little lighter and a lot more confident.

The mother thing worries me more than anything else. If I write her off, then I have to go through hoops to make sure I am not where she is at all times to spare myself a scene and discomfort.

I also lose my dog.

If I don't write her off, I have to deal with the fact that she will be mean and abusive and it won't change.

What to do? I dunno. I'll think about it later.

For now, I'm going to make sure that someone I trust is at the hospital with me IF I have to have surgery. Mom is not going to know, if I can at all help it.

The dog, and the guilt are what's eating at me. And the fantasy of a real mom with real/normal levels of love, happiness, anger, etc.

Mine isn't that. Mine is unhinged. Mine will never change. And I have to understand what I'm going to do about that. She'll soon be heading into that phase of life where she'll need care, and that care won't be coming from me. She will never live with me. She will never be tended to by me. And I'm OK with that.

But do I cut off communication with her because she acts like a poison in my system? Or do I just limit contact to once a week, brief moments, ???

I don't know.

I just don't know.

And I don't have the energy, or luxury to think about it now.

I got tested for allergies today, and found that I'm allergic to the outdoors, and the indoors. So I have to live in a bubble.

No, I'm kidding.

But this does at least explain why I keep getting sick over and over again. So this is positive. And, there are no animal allergies! Yay for cats and dogs!

Friday I will get tested for cancer via MRI, then by Monday or Tuesday, I will have everything under control. Because, yay or nay, I will know for sure what it is, and what the game plan is.

For now, I'm going to concentrate on centering, healing and accepting.

Oh, and loving all you people who have left encouragement, laughter, advice and love in my notes. You are my rock. And I know I can rely on you and my kick-ass friends in The City to support me on the road to good mental and physical and spiritual health.


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