1:18 p.m. - 2005-07-13
Why I do what I do.
Wow. That last entry was so angry and negative. Not that the case didn't warrent it, but boy do I have a hell of a lot of pent up anger to work out. Old anger, new anger, rightous anger...
No wonder I'm having a balance problem.
Its so weird how it pops up all of a sudden and I do or say things that I don't mean or are completely inappropriate and out of charactor, because its really just being triggered by fear or hurt or just nonsense.
I know that all this weirdness will balance out eventually, as I get all the inner damage fixed up and polished. So it won't be forever.
But, it is a good reason to stay out of relationships for the time being. I can't imagine bringing that kind of brokenness into a twosome. Unless of course the other half gets it and recognizes where it comes from. But, that's a pretty smart, secure, intuitive, independant person. I haven't met many of those. Its tricky being a survivor of any bad thing or combination of things. And even trickier healing to the point that you are no longer a survivor, but just yourself. A person you can live and thrive within.
One of my friends wants to fix me up with a co-worker of hers. And he's probably a very nice, stable, well-adjusted man. But, that kind of man would run screaming if he knew what went on in my head. He wouldn't get it.
I'm not saying that I'm mean, unlikable, unattractive, crazy or weird. I'm a nice person. I'm smart, and cute and I care about people. I'm also strong, opinionated and diplomatic. I even make myself laugh sometimes. But, there is a darkness that co-exists with the light that creaps out when I don't expect it. Sometimes its in my eyes, or my face or the way that I walk. Sometimes its in my consersation, my writing or my interaction with people. Sometimes its so raw that I want to run away, but instead I dive straight in and live in it until I'm not so afraid of it anymore. And each time the intensity of it all lessens. Until the next trigger brings it out full throttle. It is getting better overall. But, I have a hell of a lot of work to do.
So, I said no thank you. Told her me and Sully were dating again. Oh - no. I've never dated Sully. I use him as an imaginary boyfriend for my local friends, because their usual choice in men for me are men who are gay, co-dependant, or otherwise not for me. And the only way to get them off my ass is to tell them that I'm involved already. Telling them no thank you just doesn't seem to work.
Anyway, welcome to my brain. It does make me nicely unpredictable. If you're into that.
