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12:15 p.m. - 2005-08-15
A whirlwind.
For the sordid details of how I dropped my pants and bit people. Go back one. Because I have some serious good news, and I need to tell my diary about it.

I am now completely financially untied from my mother.

I finished paying off the loan we established many years ago to pay off those college mistakes this afternoon.

I think I experienced my first spontaneous smile ever. I just walked out of the bank and without even thinking, broke out into the hugest grin you've ever seen on a girl. I even bounced on the way to my car.

This is the loan that kept me under her thumb for years and years, until I figured out that she actually got a humongous tax break from it, and was building excellent credit to boot. That's when I moved out the first time, because she couldn't manipulate me on that point anymore. Then I got so close to being free, I moved back in with mom to throw extra money into the loan for a year, but being in that house with those people ended up triggering my dark side, and I rang up a huge amount of debt all over again.

The second time I moved out, I didn't have harbor any guilt because I owed her money and how dare I even think of paying rent elsewhere while I owed her money? I knew better.

Now? Any lasting effects from years of guilt and oppression have washed away with one simple transaction.


I have been doing so well since moving out on my own again. I've gotten my shit together, paid off one of three obligations, am working hard on the others, and feel more free and spunky than ever.

And with the recent raise, I might consider a new car, as mine is falling apart around its ears. Its a tough choice, 300 to a car payment, or 300 toward debt pay off. But then, the car is over 10 years old, has almost 170,000 miles and needs a lot of pricey work to keep it safe for me to travel in every weekend when I make the trek to The City.

(Single girls and soon to be singles - do not read the following paragraph.)

I wish I could ask a crystal ball what the right choice is. I guess this is one of those times where even independant Zen can imagine having a husband/partner with a penis (PWP) would be nice. Well, lately, I've been more open than ever to the possibility of a relationship. I've done a lot of growth over the last year. But add in a decision to buy or not buy a car, and I'm totally sold on the idea. I kinda think that a PWP would be nice to bounce ideas off of, and help negotiate with a car dealor with.

(Single girls and soon to be singles, resume reading.)

I don't really have anyone who knows the ins and outs of getting a decent deal. And I know that those people will screw you at every turn if you don't know what you're doing. I got totally railroaded last time. I am a fierce negotiator at work, but buying a car intimidates me. (Shhh! Don't tell anyone! I'm supposed to be tough and all.)

I guess I'll get a book at the library to show me how to do it. I mean, I'm the bomb and everything, but Liam Nees0n is still married at last report, so he'll be of no matrimonial or car buying help at all. Damn him!

I'm adding to the future husband requirements:

*new* Must be helpful with car decisions.

Must kill bugs, and remove those on the endangered species list.

Must wear a kilt when requested. (extra points for spontaneous kilt wearing)

Must be able to support himself financially.

Must be an asshole.

Must be able to put up with or enjoy my wild ideas and thoughts on religion/ spirituality.

Must be creative in some way, be it art, writing, really killer humor, etc.

Must think that I am the most adorable/sexy creature he's ever seen.

Must be kind, smart, empathetic, emotionally flexible.

Must like animals, because I need to have a dog or two in my life.

Must be a real grown-up man. (no co-dependants, wife beaters, mean nasties, crotch picking, boob grabbing, whining, needy for direction and nagging, because I not responsible for nagging another human being.)

All other traits are negotiable in a package.


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