2:45 p.m. - 2005-08-16
I used to think I was happy. I wasn't noticeably unhappy or depressed. At least, not to myself. I certainly placed harsh limits on myself.
These days, however, there's a sense of levity in my spirit. A level of confidence that I never knew existed. I still have backslides when I'm triggered, but they don't last as long anymore. I figure things out pretty quickly, and once I've done that, the symptoms go away.
I've had a crazy life. Terrible things have happened. I've had experiences that I hope no kid or adult ever have to have. I have survived shit, and even truely lived. But, lately, I have begun to thrive.
This realization of happiness has made me wonder why its so easy to get torn down, altered, and programmed into thinking you're bad, stupid, limited, wrong, unworthy, etc. -- yet -- its so unbelievably hard to be able to really heal and thrive in a life of your choosing.
Is the human mind really so fragile that we are naturally inclined toward negativity, and self-defeating behavior? Why do we tend to believe and integrate the shit that truely bad, or distrubed people feed us, especially when we're young?
Is it cultural, environment, human nature, or biological/chemical make-up?
Things that are good for us seem exponentially harder to do compared to self-destruction. And why is that? Why should doing the right thing be harder? And when did it start being so? With the cavemen? I look at animals that have been mistreated, and see that they can become trusting and loving again, but its awefully hard work for them and their care takers.
So, why were we made to be so easily broken, and so damnedably hard to fix? Not that anyone is truely ever broken. I don't believe that. We can certainly be brainwashed and programmed and lied to and led astray.
I realize now that I put myself into a safe little glass box for years. Nobody knew there was a barrier, but I did. I let it stand between me and my hopes, dreams and heart for too many moons.
Its thoroughly busted now. I kicked the bitch in the nuts and took no prisoners.
Those periods are much less short than they were at the beginning. In fact, I wanted to crawl back into the box at first, because life without barriers was scary.
But, I'm a brave girl, and I wanted stuff, so I kept moving away from the wreckage and never looked back. I've had to remember those times that forced me to build the box, and relive them in detail, and feel the feelings and smell the smells. It took a lot of raw honesty, because that box also puts limits on what we will believe about ourselves and our pasts. I had get naked. Say, this is me, this is what happened, this is how it made me feel, and this is how it manifests itself in my nature now.
That last part is almost the hardest part. But once that onion is peeled, and there are no more secrets, and the deep seeded anger is exposed, the relief comes in a wash of sunshine.
I have heard that depression is anger repressed. Sometimes we explain our anger away, or "take the high road," or are so engrossed in our denial we don't even know it exists. But I have come to learn that admitting to anger, even when I've felt its unjustified, opens the doors of hell within my heart and let's the poison out.
My anger is justified. My shame exists, but is not warrented. My fear was real at one time, but is no longer needed. My sadness will be with me always, but it will be a friend to me and me to it.
I will not deny that I feel any of the above when I feel them. God knows I have earned every bit of emotion I have experienced. It is mine, and nobody elses.
I will not always be angry, or shameful or fearful. I will carry my sadness with me always, but it will be in perspective, and it will never outshine my happiness.
I'm happy. Its just the beginnings of happiness, which is an amazing thing to understand. Because that means there is more. There will always be more.
If you look into my eyes, you will see a myriad of emotions that to some may be frightening. Because fear, shame and anger are not nice emotions. And sadness and happiness are supposed to be opposing forces. They aren't supposed to co-exist. But in me, they do. And I'm feeling more and more balanced every day.
I'm working on getting rid of the rest and putting it in its place. The dumpster. But I will honor the fact that I have them, and continue to go deep to discover their roots so that I won't be afraid of them anymore and will be able to cast them out without fear of them backlashing me.
This is true healing. I feel no need to take revenge. I feel no need to hide. I feel no need to hang on to emotions and reactions that cause me to be less than my potential. I am no longer the product of bad experiences.
Its hard as hell. Makes me feel uncomfortable and vulnerable at times. But it is oh so worth every tear, every discomfort, every ounce of pain.
I am happy. And I deserve it. And I will nurture it throughout the rest of my life.