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10:36 p.m. - 2005-09-27
Getting to Zen.
Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck fuck. To quote Sixweasels, approximately.

I do believe that I've gotten to the root of my compulsive behavior problem, which is wonderful

However, my compulsive spending habit has gotten me into a world of trouble and I'm not sure how to get out of it.

One thing I will do for sure, is not beat myself up over it. Its not the end of the world. It will be over one day. There are things I can do now to try to fix some of it. I hope.

I'm not a fuck-up. I've led a fucked up life. It has led to fucked up behaviors. But, in truth, I realize that I am pretty damned amazing for having come this far getting out of bed in the morning. Its weird to say that. I'm used to being self-depreciating, and whipping myself silly (in a not so sexually deviant kind of way I mean here).

I have a home. I'm going to stop calling it an apartment. Its my fucking home and I'll call it one.

I have a car. A damned expensive ten year check-up, but overall worth keeeping it around for a couple more years.

I have a job, which I am beginning to enjoy.

I have a dog who gets excited to see me and lays at my feet.

I have a nephew that I adore and feel a close connection to.

I have friends who accept that we are all fucked up in our own ways, but that's what makes us special. We argue, we disagree, we get fed up, we get impatient, we snipe. But, we also love, and that makes up for all the disconnects in between.

I have the ability to write which gives me the freedom of expression I need to stay sane.

I have female health issues which may in the end be life altering, but not life-ending.

I have done a whole hell of a lot of work to focus on my issues and have the means/drive to see it through.

That's saying quite a lot, isn't it?

Maybe I am a bit more Zen than I thought after all.


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