5:39 p.m. - 2005-10-15
Walking away.
I did a very hard and brave thing last night.
H asked me to go home with him, several times, and I said no. Several times.
Horndog slutho that I am, I said no. Because I am not about to get into the same ole emotional upheavel bullshit again.
I can tell that he is changing, ever so slowly. But, he's not where he needs to be for me yet.
I demand respect and friendship even from a fuck buddy, damnit. If he can't conceive of that, then friends only it will me.
But you have no idea how hard it was to deny good PENIS. I was THIS close to having a real live talented PENIS. I want one. I need one. But, I do, afterall, have boundaries and requirements. Simple ones.
No strings, no committments other than regular sex, and the respect of friendship.
That's it.
I felt sorry for him. He'd had a rough time of it lately with Sully and the Sully sister cancer. He's standing by his friend and being a rock for him. I just wish he would do the same for me while we're having a sexual relationship.
So, I said no. I will remain Celebate Zen a bit longer, until I meet up with a genuine man, who has gotten past his insecurities, or at least understands them for what they are and keeps them from imposing themselves on his relationships.
Yup. I'm all grown up it seems. I want something more than a roll in the hay with someone who isn't at least a strong candidate for lifetime membership in Club Zen.
But, that doesn't mean I won't be making out with an Italian waiter or two in November.
A girl has to have her lustful tendencies tended to, doesn't she?
;)
