1:30 p.m. - 2005-11-05
Fuck.
I just love being a woman sometimes. Not only do I have fucking non-cancerous tumors and cysts making my abdomin a wreck, but now it looks like I have endometriosis. Which is causing the bulk of the pain.
Lovely.
Please do not let me become one of those women who let these issues turn them into bitchy, anti-estrogenic monsters.
I have lots of meditation to do over this. I need to decide how I want to deal with these issues long term and how I want it to affect me emotionally.
It figures now that I have a third issue which is completely resolvable by a hysterectomy that I've got this fear of not being a viable candidate for pregnancy. This surgery coming up (no date yet) will take care of the issue short term and leave me fertile, but in a couple of years, we'll have do it all over again, then again till I either have a kiddo or get the parts taken out.
Given my current unpermantlyhookedup state and the fact that I still have things to do before I settle down, I would have been happier for a longer term solution. But, this will give me a reprieve, for a bit, to find my path in the right way.
There are other health risks to pregnancy. Most of which would be resolved by getting down to my ideal weight AND renovating my diet. BP and high cholesterol would probably go away, and my spine issues would be much relieved.
Chubby may be cute, but for me its taking a rather hard toll. I may not be a seeker of perfection, but my body is.
I hate having to think about these things. But, it is my lot in life. It could be worse. I know I wouldn't have these issues if I couldn't handle them. It woudl be so much easier if I believed in God and could pray everything away. Let someone else take on some of the burdeon. But faith is ellusive. I just don't believe. I want to, I just don't.
So, its all me.
Like I said. I have a lot of meditating, and soul searching to do.
But before I get into any of that, I have some major cruising to do. And partying, and fooling around with beautiful european waiters. Because who knows how long it will be till I feel up to fooling around again after surgery? Knowing me, it won't take long ;) But, I have to take my opportunities as they present themselves. And I am quite the opportunist.
Thanks for the well wishes everyone. I'm feeling much better having written this out. I'll find out Monday when I get back from the cruise when surgery will be. Then I'll start preparing with positive thoughts, and meditative reflection.
But, that's for another week. This week is for care free fun.
