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9:23 p.m. - 2005-11-17
Me again. I got a note from my bookstore friend tonight. He was feeling low and depressed. This tiem of year is always hard for him. His girlfriend of 8 years left him three years ago and he still mourns her. They had dreams of having children together, tried for years, but nothing came of it.

She left him one January, with just a note saying she had left.

9 months later, she had a kid by another man and married him.

For three years he's been mourning. Feeling unworthy, unlovable and disfunctional. Broken. He has moments of clarity, of cheerfulness, but then it goes back to, "what was it about him that made her leave?" She pretended that everything was alright right up to the end. He knows now that he was needy and lived for her. He made her make all the decisions, he did everything she liked, and never offered one piece of himself to her. I know a few people who go into relationships only to please. Who say they will do anything to keep it going. But what they don't realize, is that when you surrender yourself to another in full, you are given them the entire burdon.

One thing is for sure. He is a million times better off without someone so dishonest and unfeeling. But he will probably never know it. From his perspective, its entirely his fault, something he did that wasn't good enough. And while that is partially true, the other half is that she took and took from him until she was overfull then ran like a scared puppy, instead of demanding an equal sharing of hearts, soul and minds.

He may never know love again. mAybe he never really did. Some people mistake dependancy or acceptance as love. I think that may have been the case with him. He may live in the shadow of that one relationship with that one woman who betrayed him for the rest of his life.

Its so sad to me. To go so far in life, only to stop halfway through. I think that would have happened to me had I gotten into another relationship in my twenties. I didn't know about balance and interdependance then. So different from the co-dependance that runs rampant today. I would have been there. Had it not been for the one relationship that had me swearing off men and relationships for almost ten years.

I needed to get here. To this place where I understand what makes relationships healthy and vibrant and whole. This place where I know no matter what, my heart will live through whatever may come to pass, and that living is worth the risk.

And that dear, intimate friends are the core of the place. The unconditional love that is always and forever, where other loves may be transient. My greatest hope is that my future life partner will become one of these friends. If not, though, I know I have a chosen family and the love all humans need to thrive on this earth. Which makes me a very brave little Zen.


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