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10:35 a.m. - 2005-12-08
I have my pre-op appt with the surgeon tomorrow, and I'm having some anxiety.

I'm not nervous about the surgery itself, but I'm nervous about communicating about how I have an unhealthy relationship with my mom and that she is not the best person to make major decisions for me, and is not to have any detailed info about my condition/etc. Unfortunately, she is the only one I can stay with for recovery and is my closest family member.

It makes me sick to think that I will be vulnerable under her care. Even though I'm different now. Stonger. In control of my life. I think about being in her home for a week or more and want to puke.

A week ago I was OK with it, but now, all the old fear, anger and sadness are welling up and choking me.

Its an over-reaction, I know. But something I need to communicate very clearly to my doctor. He needs to give me happy drugs so that I can rest in peace (heh, heh) until I get home. And he needs to take nobody's word but mine when it comes to making decisions about my healthcare.

I guess if I'm dying or something, and I'm braindead, she can do whatever she wants with me, because I won't know a damn thing about it and thus won't care.

But if it were a case where he had to decide whether to remove body parts, etc... I would not trust her to make a decision that I could live with. I'd rather be brought out of anesthesia writhing in pain to make the decision myself. I'm not sure if they do that.

So, I'm going to see if we can go over the what ifs and such tomorrow.

I'm sure it'll all work out fine, but right now, I want to barf up a lung and curl up into a little ball of sissiness.

Its at times like these that I wish I had a husbad/lifemate to go through this with. Someone with whom I shared a deep connection and trust. Six is probably the closest thing to that for me now, but I don't think we want to marry eachother any time soon... I really envy her relationship with her parents. She has family that she can trust with her life. With her heart and her soul.

Me? I got my mom.

Anyway, I'm developing some coping techniques for me to use over the next few weeks. I've got puzzles, books, music, my cell phone and my laptop. And ear plugs.

And hopefully, some good drugs.

Oh, and I have assignments for two of my buddies that I will discuss with them over the phone. So Six and You have a mission, should you wish to accept it. Which you will or esle I'll hang you by your toenails and beat you with one of those huge double ended scary dildos.


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