12:16 p.m. - 2005-12-09
The reason for this is that my mom had a hysterectomy when I was a kid. She had a nervous breakdown afterward, got bitter about losing her parts, even though the didn't want more children, and tool her anger out on me. That is what she would base a decision on, not my best interest and not what I'd really want. Because she doesn't know. Because I don't talk about my thoughts/dreams/feelings with her. So I told the Dr and the nurse that I really want conservative surgery, but if something must go, he can make the decision based on his experience. Either way, I'll be fine.
I could tell the nurse was shocked to hear this. They had my mom in their office for an appt for herself last week and treated her like a queen because she was my mom. They told her that they were so happy that I had her to take care of me. Etc, etc.
But I know that the nurse understood. And that made me happy.
So I feel a lot better. But I dream that one day I'll have someone that I love and trust as "next of kin" instead. Someone with whom I've shared my heart and soul, who will know what it is that I want. Someone that I won't fear will put their own interests and values above my own when it comes to my life and health.
Maybe I'll wish that on the next star I see fall.