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12:16 p.m. - 2005-12-09
Getting ready.
Today was the pre-op appt where I told the nurse that my mom is not to know anything beyond whether I'm alive or dead. She will not be told if I have to lose something and will not be part of any decision-making. The nurse will communicate this to the doc and I will tell him again when I see him at the hospital.

The reason for this is that my mom had a hysterectomy when I was a kid. She had a nervous breakdown afterward, got bitter about losing her parts, even though the didn't want more children, and tool her anger out on me. That is what she would base a decision on, not my best interest and not what I'd really want. Because she doesn't know. Because I don't talk about my thoughts/dreams/feelings with her. So I told the Dr and the nurse that I really want conservative surgery, but if something must go, he can make the decision based on his experience. Either way, I'll be fine.

I could tell the nurse was shocked to hear this. They had my mom in their office for an appt for herself last week and treated her like a queen because she was my mom. They told her that they were so happy that I had her to take care of me. Etc, etc.

But I know that the nurse understood. And that made me happy.

So I feel a lot better. But I dream that one day I'll have someone that I love and trust as "next of kin" instead. Someone with whom I've shared my heart and soul, who will know what it is that I want. Someone that I won't fear will put their own interests and values above my own when it comes to my life and health.


Maybe I'll wish that on the next star I see fall.


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