12:10 a.m. - 2006-01-11
Max confusion.
OK, OK, OK.
Maybe I'm letting this Max thing go so easily, because I'm scared.
Or maybe because it was a hot flash of feeling that has grown cooler with time.
Or maybe because the more I learn about him, the more sides of him I see, I like some, but other parts freak me out. While we had a kick ass time, there was something in the back of my mind, not quite a red flag or anything, but something that told me that there was much more to this Max guy than appeared.
I think I may have fallen under the attraction + connnection + exciting = must be perfect spell.
I'm a great judge of people who aren't possible mates for me. I call them as I see them, and I am usually right. Not always, but usually.
But I have habitually chosen very wrong men for me and have been quick to get attached then very slowly learn that all the wonderful attributes I fantasized about them having were nothing like them in real life.
There. I've admitted it. That's what I fear. That too quick to judge favorably and get attached, and easily manipulated if its something I think I want penchant I have that got me into trouble way long ago. That's how I got involved with the gay boyfriend from H.S./college that I allowed to make my life a living hell for 3.5 years and destroy my self-esteem and my ambitions.
I don't know Max. I've seen him for a few hours 4 days total. I've had many 5-10 minute phone calls with him during which not much was said. I had several very long conversations with him as he waited in the airport and when he got back to the hotel room yesterday that were revealing at least.
He said he has a problem drinking too much alcohol. He knows it and is determined to back off. He said that he does not cry anymore and doesn't have emotions anymore, yet he's told me he loves me twice. To which I told him I like him very much, but I think he's insane if he really does love me already without even knowing me.
Its almost insulting. What he knows about me is that I am cool, I am kind, I am tough, I am pretty, I am smart and I enjoy sensuality.
He truely knows nothing of my life, my heart, my hopes, dreams, ambitions... He seemed so wise and perceptive on the cruise, but that Max has never come back. An dI'm afraid that he will still be MIA in Miami when we meet up in March.
Lots of fear you see.
So, no. This chicken is not sad, not mourning, not really feeling much right now but fear mixed with disappointment.
Its weird. It makes me wonder if I will ever be capable of a long standing affection for, hopefully, partnership with a man.
I'm just going to breathe for now, and let tomorrow reveal its answsers if it will.
