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10:45 p.m. - 2006-01-18
I couldn't fall asleep until 5am last night. I was wired.

I got a message from Max. He said to call him back this weekend when it will be cheaper for me, which is a good thing, because my last cell bill was over 200 bucks. I'm getting a detailed bill in the mail, because there is no freakin' way I spent 20
+ hours on the phone last month.

In any case, I'm having serious fight/flight issues over Max because he really cares, he's nice, he's interesting, he's cool, he's a little gross in the sense of humor department, but if that's his worse trait, he's sexy and attentive and I like him very much.

I'm scared shitless. My mind goes from phone calls to sex in Miami to marrige to children and my vision turns red and I have to put my head between my knees and breathe and tell myself to slow down.

And I said I was ready??? I'm still as committment phobic as I ever was.

The difference is that I refuse to sabotage my relationship with this man because I'm a sissy. I still want to continue to persue more local men (not too local mind you). I'm not committing to anything but friendship with the possibility of a partnership.

At least I'm not one of those women who falls in love first then cries off later when she discovers that she never knew the man she got involved with. How many times I've witnessed and counseled my friends through those situations. Particularly my god-kids' mother. Eeeek! She jumped to moving in and getting married within the first couple of months, being so in love and all...then when the heat wears off a month or two later, became depressed and looked for an escape. Usually another man.

To her credit, she has been married for 7 years now and finally landed on one she wants to spend the rest of her life with. And he feels the same.

I'd rather start out running, then slow down when I'm nice and comfy. I'm not sure how I'll know when that time is, but I'll guess I'll just have to find out.

There are some people who absolutely cannot live alone. People who have to be in a couple. I'm not one of those. Though I dearly want to be in a couple one day. I just want someone really special who will enhance my better qualities with whom I share a passion and compassion for humanity. That's the key. I've finally figured that out. That's my calling. I knew it all along, but I was afraid to persue it in case I were to fail.

I don't want someone who is so idealistic that they are blind and completely intolerant of un-like people. Anything can be taken to the extreme.

Oh, change of subject. Did I tell you that I want to move? I think I'm getting into some sort of nesting mode. I need clean, I need new, I need space, I need a bathtub AND a shower, I need a washer/dryer IN my apartment, I want windows that lock, I want a soot free envirnment, I want adish washer, I want quiet.

Those are things that I don't have here in my very cool apartment. Its cheap, its fab and everything, but I don't sleep well here. Its always dirty from the soot that seeps through the windows and doors, there's an ever present fireplace smell that's not good, but not clean either. Though I get loads of complements on my design and placement of furniture, its TINY and I need air. I want to be in control of my heat in winder (I'm being roasted alive). Oh, and traffic noise is incessant.

If I were to move into another one bedroom, a newer buiding in a quiet development, I'd be paying 300 more a month. Now, I am supposed to be getting a raise next month, which might cover the extra expenditure. In that case, I'd feel a lot better about it. Buts there's always the same old guilt about paying out 300 more a month when I'm in debt.

But all in all, clean, quiet and secure may win out after all. Lord knows if I were ever attacked, I've had enough experience to know I'd win. As dear Eastportgrl said, when I'm affronted physically, you can see the devil in my eyes. Inner rage, stregnth and training have made me rather a lethal little lass. There's something to be said for the power of anger when your turf is trespasses.

Anyway, time for bed now. I took an over the counter sleep aid, because I need sleep like I need oxygen tonight. The doctor already put me on restricted activity, due to having two sinus infections while my body is trying to heal from surgery. So, no playtime this weekend. I'm feeling miserable and exhausted enough now to cry uncle on my own anyway.
Sorry Six. I meant to call you today. I'm going to miss "Assholes on the Tailgate" and everything else the weekend. I'm probably going back to work next Friday and the doc has said no playtime, no nothin'.

Make Dee come out and play Asshole with you. She'll be needing her fix after last weekend ; ))

Anyway, I was saying good night, wasn't I?

Oh, two more things, then I'll shut up.

Go hug your Archangel666 today. The poor baby thinks he can masterbate with a detachable shower head like a girl, and is damaging his person trying to make it work. (Tisk, tisk. What's the old wives tale about IT falling off and all???)

And then go hug your Marlen because she is dealing with a tough teenager situation that I can't even imagine. She's one of my favorites, so you know she's special. Hang in there woman!


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