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4:24 p.m. - 2006-01-30
The duality of Zen.
I did a lot of thinking on the St. Vincent delegtion on my "to do" list (haa,haa).

I find myself swimming in his exoticness.

That's the thing. He's exotic and that makes me feel special.

I don't know if that's healthy or not. I don't want a man to make me feel special just because he is special. You know? I want to be special and feel special because I am me.

Maybe I'm just thinking too much about what ifs and rushing, when I really need to take a step back to enjoy what is.

But, I also worry about his heart and where that my be. I'm a committment phobe. I always wonder whether there is something better. I'm always afraid that I will wake up one day and regret like I've done before. He might not be as reluctant.

Yes, I know, I know, it all has to do with communication, and we are working on that. Our conversations have been more animated and natural lately. I love that he was concerned about my phone bill and told me to hang up and call back when it was an evening or weekend. He also asked me what I would be paying for the plane ticket to meet up with him in Miami. I feel cared for, valued, and respected. He's considerate. I like it.

I swear to you there are two of me. One is excited, free-spirited, happy to be a leader and example to prejudiced people world wide and in my own circle, who wants to learn all there is to know about this man and his world, wanting to dig my claws into him at the first opportunity. Enamoured with his wisdom, his presence, his graciousness, also his boyish enthusiasm for farming, gardening, hot wings and "his boys".

Zen number two feels the noose tightening, is a pessimist about long distance romance, is sensitive to criticism from family and friends, and feels overwhelmed.

I wasn't expecting this. Neither was he. He said that the other day. He said, "Where did you come from? I wasn't looking for you, but you appeared in front of me nonetheless."

I've always proclaimed myself to be modern, globally oriented, open-minded, etc. Yet, secretly, I thought relationships like this were for other people. A fling, yeah. Great. But a relationship with an exotic island creature who works on a cruise ship is something else entirely. Yet, I always regretted not pursuing an ongoing relationship with Massimo, my first Italian waiter. And I don't want to regret anything again.

I think I'm jumping the gun. If I fall in love with this guy, I think that will speak for itself. I'm not sure what that will feel like, or how I will know, but I have faith in my own humanity. It happens every day. I'm so jealous of people who are confident in their feelings, and know when they are in love, and feel strongly enough about it to marry and never look back.

I guess, when it comes down to it, I'm fairly normal. Its a pretty good assmption that everyone goes through this at some level, unless they are in love with love or are needy for a relationship.

So, I'll leave it alone for a while and float along in this storm to see where I drift.

Oh, an dto that question, "Would I leave everything behind to be with him?"

Well, yes and no. I would not leave everything behind. I would have to incorporate the people I love, good health insurance, and enough money to ensure health and safety for me, my man and whatever children we may have.

I am darned good at compromise though. So if being with him means jumping through hoops, possibly working on a ship for part of the year, being frugal and maybe paying through the nose for health insurance in the U.S., yes. It would give me the opportunity to spend time with the nephew, with whom I am falling in love by the minute, and visit family and more importantly friend who are family on a regular, extended basis, while balancing time in St. Vincent with his family, or maybe at times, going our separate ways at times to get some serious bonding time in with our respective people.

So, no matter what or who I want, I can make it work. I'm good at that.

I just need to address the debt situation seriously because that will be a deal breaker for me living and working anywhere else by the US on a permanent basis. Retirement savings, medicines and health insurance can be purchased at a premium while onboard a cruise vessel.

Bring a baby into the mix, though, I will need damned good insurance and specialist doctors as I will be high risk. And I would demand that the kid have good health insurance, that will mean working in the US. Which will mean Max would have to work here too if we were to raise a child together. But then, he would be shortchanging his kids back on St. Vincent, not to mention himself because if it.

That's another deal breaker.

So, Zen number two has a lot to think about, because Zen number one has no clue how to address that.


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