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9:53 p.m. - 2006-02-04
I have no idea what this is...
When I was growing up (as if that's some past tense notion) I used to wish that I could live two lives. The one I had, because I thought I was stuck with it forever, and one where I had another life. One of my choosing. The second was always unattainable.

I used to fantasize that my life was a nightmare, and that I would wake up, shake it off, and go about my happy life.

This idea of two lives has stayed with me to this day. I still think in terms of the life I have, and the one I would like to have, if I didn't have any limitations. I've even thought about tossing in a third...

This method of survival, I guess, tend to keep me at leash end. Because there is "my life" and ther is the life I would want to have if I were someone else. Someone without health issues, without money issues, without fear, without a mother, without a step-father, who did not suffer, who's father did not die only two years older than I am now.

That person would not be "stuck" in an unfulfilling corporate job, working her way through an eating disorder, putting off the Peace C0rps until her debt was paid off and she no longer had to depend on meds for cholesterol and blood pressure. A person who feels like she doesn't belong anywhere or with anyone, and feels antsy all the time like she's missing something.

A person who is so afraid of committment because she might waste her entire life on something that brings her no closer to the fantasy and at the end, she might look back and regret every minute she spent with him.

I watched "A Passion of M1nd" this evening.

Its nice to know that someone else understands my fantasy. How ideal. To live two very different lives, both fulfilling, both rich with love and challenge. Both part of the same person, yet diverse. Yet, I know that if I were granted the wish of two lives, I wouldn't be satisfied. Because I will discover yet another version of Zencelt that appeals to me that I would regret not trying out. Just in case.

Go ahead. Say it. I'm mental. Its OK. I've been this way since, God knows when. Since my dad dies I guess. Which makes perfect sense, if you've seen the movie. Someone got it.

Unfortunately, I can't choose among three or more lives. I've only got this one. And I've made a royal mess of it. I've done everything possible to undermine any desire for a different life. And there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Or, there is, but the fire requires constant fuel, and the end is at least 5 years away. I'll be 40. So many years wasted. 40. So many desires unfulfilled. A life lived in fear. A life lived from behind a window.

I'm meant for more. I've always known it. But I guess that deep down, I was waiting for someone to save me. Someone to take me under is/her wing and teach me how to be. But I'm the sort of person people challenge. Not help. I was always expected to know what to do, what to think, what to feel. People never gave me advice. They assumed I was OK. It would have been nice to have had a mentor years ago. Even my college advisors told me to make my own choices. Told me I didn't need help. And boy did I screw that bit up.

I'm not really sure where this is going anymore. But I'm sleepy, so I guess its a good place to stop for the night.

Big hugs out to all my buddies out there. I know I'm not alone, but I feel so lost and isolated at the moment. I wish I could fall asleep and start new in a different situation with a different past and feel all the wonderful feelings that I know are possible. Anyway...sleep.


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