10:50 a.m. - 2006-03-20
Maximania concludes.
Hey people, I'm back, safe and sound.
That was the most whirlwind, exciting, painful, erotic four days of my life.
It started with the flight down, which was fine, except that the pilot on the second leg took a dive into the airport instead of gradually lowering altitude, and it fucked up my already suffering ears. I got off the plane and was completely without hearing. So I sat down and tried everything I could to get them to pop, including blowing my nose while pinching it. That did clear out my right ear, but my left was totally blocked.
The hotel Max was supposed to be staying in was also fucked up, and the cruise lines lost their contracts with them, and everyone from the various companies were shuffled out to a new hotel. So, as he was bouncing between hotels, trying to get checked in and ensure a single room, he was unable to meet me at the airport as he had planned. But, he called me a thousand times as I waited for the new hotel shuttle to pick me up to make sure I was OK.
I finally got there and he was waiting on the balcony, waving like a madman, then came down to get me and my luggage.
I walked over to the lobby, where I heard a scream and a yelp at the elevator. Poor Max had come down to get me, and was met with a waiting to get on in the lobby, who was apparently not expecting anyone to be inside, and was spooked my the rather large-ish, very excited man inside - which caused her to scream bloody murder. And in the midst of it, she dropped her luggage on him and he yelped like a whipped dog.
So, it was an Assholian start to the adventure, which was expected.
Anyway, we rode up in the elevator with the lady, to whom I uttered assurances that Max did not bite or maul people. Then she got off at her floor, leaving us alone to stare at eachother, then lunge into a big, wet, sloppy hello kiss.
The room was bright and airy, and full of sexual tension. But, there was a wrench in the works. Apparently, the new hotel wasn't as big as the old hotel, and they were packing in crew members like sardines. So there was a possibility of a roommate walking in at any moment. Max had walked down to teh desk earlier to discuss the matter with the clerk, who told him that he would know by 6 whether someone was going to be booked in the room or not. Max offered to pay for the room outright, but the clerk said he would hold the room until last resort, and would let us know by 6 whether we'd be alone.
So, we made out like kids in the back seat of a parents car for a while, then decided to go downtown so that Max could get his cell phone repaired, get dinner and give the hotel time to make arrangements.
We got back at 6:30, and were happily told that there would be no roommate that night.
Let the games begin!
Its funny. I had built up so many expectations without meaning to, and was half afraid that I would be disappointed, or that my time in Miani woudl be lackluster compared to all the daydreams and fantasies I had built up over the months. But, the truth is, that my expectations were simply wrong. I got so much more than I ever knew to expect. If that makes sense.
My two days with Max was exciting, erotic, fun, fulfilling, and educational. I learned a lot about how I could feel, physically and emotionally. I was challenged by his honesty, and spoiled by his generosity. He taught me to slow down, and I taught him to be less rigid.
I've found a man who I crave sleeping with. His strong arms and chest pressed against my skin, so warm and soft as I drifted off to sleep. The feeling of his belly against my back, nose in my hair, hand over mine, drawing me in securly, making me feel cherished and safe. Never encroaching, or suffocating. Always aware of my mood, and emotional state, whispering soft assurances and teasing words in my good ear.
You know that hazy dream we all have of our perfect mate, and how he/she would feel, sound, move, create new sensations? That person who lives in the back of your mind when you meet potentials, who always fall short of this fantasy?
He vanished. Having the fantasy in the flesh, with the simmering, just under boiling chemistry streaming through each hour, each minute was an overwhelming thing. I crave intensity, and I got it in spades. Partially driven by the time limitations, and partially by the nature of the two people involved. Each of us are so intense and strong in our own right that together, we ignite. There was softness too though. A silky feeling of mutual respect and adoration that was palpable to everyone who crossed our paths.
Its funny. People would just stare at us on the bus, or at the restaurant, or as we strolled down the sidewalks. And they would be inspired to tell us what a beautiful couple we made. Strangers who were touched by our presence together as a unit, who argued that we must have been together for years, not a sprinkling of months. In fact, one crazy lady on a bus told us that she was so inspired by us that she believed in love again. Poor thing was heading to a homeless shelter, and told us she was writing a book and that we were going to be a chapter in it.
We just looked at eachother and laughed. Because we had a secret. We were not exactly a couple. In fact, we hadn't even spoken about that. We still haven't. We're just enjoying the experiences as they unfold before us. There were brief references to possibilities, but neither of us wanted to step into the real world for long. We didn't need much more than brief assurances that we would do this again in the future and that was enough for now.
In truth, though, I think we both, if honest, have dueling personalities on the matter. One side, wanting this to be free of structure, free of committment, free of stress. The other side yearning for love, a life together, wanting to know everything, meet everyone, and set in motion something akin to marriage, but maybe not that much.
Its strange feeling these polar emotions at the same time. Trying to find the balance and be true to oneself. Its a challenge. Its scary as hell. But, I am game. I do things I'm afraid of and become stronger for it. I live for it. So, this is just my thing.
I'm also very soft and sensitive at heart though. As much as I enjoy the adventure and stimulation and the intensity of this particular relationship, its the leaving that kills me. It breaks my heart. I was so sad, and lonely and desolate when I packed my things up that last time. I sat on the floor with tears running down my face, my heart in knots, my eyes rimmed with red. He pulled me up into his arms, and kissed my head, and whispered to me about how he had had 16 years of this life, 16 years of goodbyes to the people he loves. I was new at it and it would be harder for me.
I was going to ride him to the ship, then take the staff shuttle to the airport, but it was too hard. When the shuttle left I stayed behind. I wanted him to leave so my heart could begin to heal. And I went to the airport, crying the whole way, blowing boogers every two minutes. Looking like a pathetic lump of a girl. I tried to get an earlier flight, but none was available, but thank God I was upgraded to first class again so it wasn't so bad.
Once I got back to my friends at Sully-fest, I was OK. I needed them. And I needed to commence the vodka marination in order to put myself to sleep, because the feeling of his body wrapped in mine was too fresh to bear. I needed to pass out and be blissfully unaware that I was lacking my Max.
I succeeded. But, when I woke up in the morning, curled into a pretzel with my feet at my head and my butt on the foot rest, I looked up, and screamed bloody murder.
The Berzerker had slept on the couch next to me and has woken up, hair sticking out like Medusa, and that's the first thing I saw morning after Maximania.
So.
I have another funny story to tell about my adventured with Max, but I'll save it for another entry. Its so Assholian you will not believe it.
But for now, I'm happy. I'm content. I'm no longer a sad little puppy who lost her friend.
Max was wonderful. And I am thankful every day that the Six and I never found the happening nightclubs in Bermuda, and went back to the ship's disco to keep Max company. Thankful that he asked Six and I to go for a walk that balmy night in Bermuda. That night that we recognized in eachother the kindred spirits that drew together and latched on.
My Max. I think I'll keep him around for a while.
