4:33 p.m. - 2006-05-02
Still here and giving advice.
My eyes have been burning all day. Not from crying, because I haven't really cried. I wasn't really close to M. But we were buddies and I've been friends with her hubby for years. But my eyes have been burning and damp all day, and it has nothing to do with allergies.
I liked M. I wasn't so sure at first, because she had a really strong personality, and tended to be over the top. But, after a while, she really grew on me, and I came to see that she and Axel had the real thing going on. He resisted at first, but she pummelled him until he finally came around, and he was never so happy.
I think old school Italian woman have a knack for that. Something I lack. Its a sort of killer instinct. That self-assuredness that overcomes a need to push push push until the man you want caves.
If I get any resistance at all, I dump his sorry ass. But, maybe that's the easy way out. I make no demands. I require very little other than regular contact and sex.
Looking at me from the outside, I'd say I was a bit shallow, relationship-wise. I lack a certain richness of charactor when it comes to being a girl-friend. I refuse to let go of my hold on my heart.
M had it going on. She knew who she was, she knew who and what she wanted. She was willing to work really hard to get it and get it right.
I want to be more like her. She was a great role model. That's her legacy to me.
I just kinda wish I were on the receiving end of the push. I wouldn't mind for some man not to take my shit and require me to be more than I am in order to have a great relationship. I guess in truth, I've been waiting for that, but instead find men who are exactly like me. Lackadaisical in relationships. Superficial.
Anyway, thanks M. For being a role model. And continuing to speak to me though you're gone from this world.
I get a good feeling about her situation now. Like she's where she belongs, and she's still very much a part of the lives of those who knew and loved her. Her presense is so strong, even to a buddy who she saw a few times a year. Its comforting. And inspiring.
See ya later M!
