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10:36 p.m. - 2006-05-23
Stress and the Zen brain.
I was rudely awakened last night by the sound of a blood curdling scream.

I had been dreaming, and someone I'm close to had been out in the woods, and found something she thought someone needed to help, with.

It rang of horror about to happen.

The woods were grey, and wet, and dark. I was in an SUV with another of our friends and he was driving. She came up to he vehicle, and said that she needed someone who knew something about, then her voice faded. She ran back into the woods.

We drove along the woodline, then heard a scream. Her scream. We kept dricing looking for a space to enter the forest.

We ran up upon a wedding party taking photos, then heard another, more horrific scream from our friend. I unrolled the window to hear the direction better, and we turned into a break of a fence, and saw her being chased by a red headed bridesmaid. the bridesmaid looked like somethign out of a horror flick. All undead and crazy angry.

The dream ended when we drove past the redhead and I gave her the finger.

I woke up then with my heart pounding, sweating, scared shitless.

Then I started talking myself down, convincing myself that it was a comedy, like Shaun of the Dead or something. But I kept hearing that godaweful scream.

I eventually calmed down and went back to sleep.

Its been over a decade since I've had a nightmare, until this week. Its bugging the shit out of me.

I'm just happy that I can work my way out of the fear now. I couldn't do that years ago, and I was plagued with nightmares. There's nothing that I can point to that tells me how I can take charge now, or even why I'm having the nightmares again. Maybe stress, though I've been under greater pressure. Its just a bad phase at work. Too much all at once and tons of people looking to me to lead them and fix everything.

I'm not that powerful. Nobody is.

I just empower, empower, empower. Some like it. Some don't. I think its the right thing to do. I'm no programmer, or architect, or analyst. I make them responsible for their own worlds, while being a supportive backbone and coordinator/communicator extraordinairre.

I wish I could do something else and make the same dough. I actually don't like what I do. Not even a little.

But I put on the company girl face, use my brain a bit, and work my fingers to the bone, probably ruining my eyesight, hearing and posture - not to mention my ass from sitting all day.

Nightmares? My job is a freakin nightmare. Friends who used to work it tell me I'm crazt to stay. They say the stress of my job/company is higher than any other in the industry.

But I stay. Watching my co-workers lose their marriages, relationships with their kids, and their health/lives. Wondering what to do with me. So I just keep going. And going. I want to stop. But I need the money so badly.

Enough whining and bed avoidance I think.

I'm a brave girl. I'll go to sleep. And see what the night may bring.


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