10:21 p.m. - 2006-06-21
Simmering grief.
I'm trying to go to sleep, but I can't stop crying.
If you read Six, you'll that I am a most fortunate girl in the world. S and Axel have lost their best friends ten fold. But I still have Six, and that girl will have my back, and be able to see through my stupid mask of bravado no matter what. And love me for who the hell I am no matter where I am with that myself. God knows, I love her back and hope I show it every time I see her. I'm sure I don't, but maybe sisters like us know it anyway.
She's right though. I wish so much that I had the oppportunity to take off work for the week, drive down and curl up on my bed in Bawlmer, cry myself to sleep, then wake-up in Assholia surrounded by friends that I can share my grief with. I've been alone for years, but more and more, I've become reliant on my chosen family. I wish I had them around me now.
But I have meetings with CEOs and VPs to get through over the next two days, a car to buy, and obligations to fulfill. I'm going ot try to switch out a half day I scheduled for next Friday so I can leave after my 11am meeting this Friday. That leaves me 1.5 days and much to fill them before I can escape to my friends and do what I can to help out. I just wish.
Well. I wish a lot of things. I wish I were close to someone closeby. But I live two lives. Three really. With three sets of friends/family. Work, local, and home in Bawlmer. My real home.
But my nephew and dog are here. And my mom/step-dad, brother and sister-in-law. I'll never have a close, intimate relationship with any of them, but the first two. So in cases like these, they are worthless. But, I like being close to my nephew. I want to be more than a distant aunt who shows up every other weekend or so for a couple hours. So, I choose to stay. And if it means being alone, so be it. Its not ideal, and it hurts like hell at this moment. But I know its not forever. And I know where people are who I can go to if I get to the end of my rope.
So. I think I'm settled down again now. I'll try to sleep. And be fresh for the big guys tomorrow.
