7:13 a.m. - 2006-06-21
I feel a bit better today. I had a good sob last night and threw myself into bed for a good night's sleep.
We think the funeral will be Friday, which will suck, because I can't get off work till 12 at the earliest if I can swing a change in scheduling. I really want to be there, but I guess the most important thing is to take care of S as much as I can. And that will have to do.
I remember losing my all my friends because we moved far into the country and then three months later my dad dying, leaving us stranded in what might as well been another country for all we were in culture shock. My mom, who was crazy before, really lost it. She became abusive as hell, angry non-stop, and cut off relations with all of our friends and family. We huddled in like hermits afraid of the cold war.
Losing everyone at once really shakes you up. Makes life seem like a not so lucid movie that you watch from the outside.
I'm not sure when I started living, and wanting and experiencing again, but in truth, I think it was not so long ago.
S has a long ass road to travel. And there is nothing I can do but be around and take up space in her empty life. I rememeber that. How people take up space and somehow the days go by and one day you wake up and the searing pain in your heart has lessened a bit.
I hope that day comes soon for S. Because as familiar as I am with grief, like everyone else I want it to go away as quickly as possible.
Anyway, today is a good day. I'm alive and there are endless possibilities.