2:04 p.m. - 2006-07-12
Unhappy entry number 2.
What a crappy entry this morning. I hate to leave the day like that. Because these things are so insignificant in comparison to the things that are really important to me. My mother is not one of those things.
One more thing to mention though. Because I just have to share it.
There was a time not too long ago when my mom and I were having a conversation about her husband. Actually, she was having the conversation, I was retreating into my happy place while I was thinking of a strategy to divert the convo.
And along the way, she said something about when "We married (insert step-dad's name."
And I stopped her in her tracks.
"WE??? married him" Uh, no. That was and is all you.
And now that my dad's family is visiting, she is refering to them as "her" family, as if my brother and I are just bystanders. Its all her responsibility, her family, her relationships.
Fuck that. I don't need, want and will not tolerate a middle man standing between me and my blood family.
But you see how twisted her brain is? Its all about control, and containment, and leashing her children to her side by forming chasms between them and anyone who might become important to them. Including significant others, friends, in-laws, and family members who might take the attention away from her. She is so fucking afraid that we'll love someone else more than her, ane always has been. I lost more family and friends from age 0-18 due to her bridge burning efforts.
If we could live on an island all alone somewhere it would make her the happiest being in the world.
Fucking crazy mother fucker.
I often think that had we not the neighbors that I had befriended, she could easily have done something very wrong and irreversable to keep us both with her forever. But lucky me, I had the resources to stay relatively safe, if miserable and desperate.
I look back on that poor kid and wish sometimes that I were around then to take care of business. I guarantee that the bullshit would have stopped before it started.
I guess that's what being an adult is all about. Having that kind of control and power over whatever situation we may find ourselves in.
Pause...
OK. I'm back. Yup! I just got a call from mom. She's in the city and is paniking because there is an accident and she only has two and a half hours to do a 15 minute drive.
She's done this drive a million times.
Grrr.
I was very helpful.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm an adult, I kick ass, and I wish I could lay smackdowns on crazy people who take out their anger on kiddos and trap them in their twisted little worlds until they become big kids and learn to say "go fuck yourself".
That would give me a bit of satisfaction.
A good bit.
This week, however, I will concentrate on being me, and only me, and welcoming my family to my part of the world.
OH SHIT. This was supposed to be a happy entry.
