9:29 p.m. - 2006-08-02
I can't do this.
I'm sitting here, about to write about my heartache, my heartbreak, when what I really want is to be held in my father's arms and told that it will all be OK, and that I'll see her again in heaven where she'll be healthy and happy again.
My baby's puppy burst yesterday must have been a momentary thing, because today she can't get up, and she can barely walk when she does. She's lost so much weight, and hardly eats. '
I just can't bear it. She struggles so badly. I'd take her in for xrays and tests and medicines, but... She's been through so much already. And I know in my heart that there's nothing that can be fixed.
She's old. And I think she's dying. And my heart feels like its been ripped into shreads and will never heal. Its like losing my dad all over again. I've never loved anyone or anything more. And now, finally, I understand. I never want to love again, because the pain is just too intense.
I want to shut out all my friends, my family, everyone. Anything to avoid feeling the empty space that haunts me grow larger and larger with each excrutiating breath. I don't want to breathe anymore.
She's the reason I wake up in the morning. The only line that keeps me tied to this earth. She's the only reason I wish to return from vacations. I'm here to love her. Without her, I am nothing. I am truly alone.
I feel like I've lost her already.
I don't know if I can do this. I wish she could have grown old with me. My best friend. My baby.
God. What do I have to do?
I don't want to make these decisions. I want to run away and forget everything that ever made me happy or sad.
I remember the first night I got her. As she lay beside my bed, I cried. I was mourning her already knowing that this day would come. It was that quick.
How do you choose when to kill your dog? When enough is enough and its time for her life to end? How do you choose a day, a time?
How do you say goodbye?
