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8:22 a.m. - 2006-08-08
Puppy is safe.
The vet told me point blank that the dog is not at the end of her life, in his opinion. After more tests and adjustments, he is convinced that her issues are from an accute case of arthritis, and he wants to experiment with some drug combos until we get it right for her. She'll also be using a butt leash (my term), a harness that goes around her heiney so the walker supports her hind end when it gets weak. And he says he thinks her depression will lift when she gets more mobile again.

I sat on the floor last night and fed her with a spoon out of a people bowl to celebrate, and for the first time in weeks, she ate her whole meal. Whatever adjustments he made seemed to help a bit. We'll see over the next couple days whether

I feel like I've gotten a new lease on life.

Tacky, I know, but I understand now. I get it. Yesterday I was so depressed I wanted to skip work, withdraw from everyone I know and pray for death.

Today, I have a reprieve.

I'm scared though. I unburied a lot of shit over the last few days that I didn't realize was still there. And I realize that I still have a load of work to do to heal.

If I'd had to put my baby down yesterday, I really don't know what would have happened to me. And I need to fix that. But I admit it. I want to brush it off and wait till later. I want to take this reprieve and pretend like nothing happened. Because I'm a big sissy and I'm afraid of seeing that darkness again.


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