1:59 p.m. - 2006-08-10
The polarization of Zen.
I've been thinking a lot over the last couple of days about loss, grief, anger, eating disorders, sex and eastern religion/philosophy.
I obviously have some repressed (or not so repressed now) feelings of grief over my childhood losses. The loss of my father, the loss of his parents the next year, the loss of my grandmother on the other side, the loss of my great aunts who played surrogate grandparents, the loss of several friends from car accidents and diseases way too young. The loss of friends and family my mom drove out of my life when I was too young and intimidated to stand up for myself. And the loss of my own personal grief process because it was considered a mortal sin against my mother to grieve because she was still here on earth.
I have an eating disorder that is somewhat tamed, but lays just under the surface threatening to take over and I think it will be there for life.
And I have what seems to be a disability to connect sex and love that leads my friends to tease me about being "so like a man..." And the teasing doesn't bother me. I know what they mean. And I agree. But, this recent threat of loss has made me aware that I have a deeper desire to connect my mind, my heart, my soul and my body, and share it all in a lasting, intimate relationship. A relationship that gives me hope. A relationship that brings light into my life, through good and bad. I'm certainly not looking for an ideal or perfect man. Just someone who is willing to work as hard I am to make a whole life from the inside out. And I fear I'll never be able to do so. This committment phobia runs so deep.
And its not about the sex. I mean, a boyfriend/husband/live-in would mean regular sex, right? And that's good. But to be intimate emotionally, and mentally, then add in intimate physically scares the shit out of me. In a permanent partnership, that's what you go for, right?
Its what I would want. I don't want to settle for something nice, good enough, fine, as good as I can get. I've waited this long, and I want the whole shebang if I'm going to go there at all. But I also want to throw up when I think about actually having it. I guess I'll have to marry a shrink.
Preferably a buddhist shrink. Someone who help me focus on existing in the moment, honoring and integrating the past, but not letting it define my current or future levels of happiness.
I don't want to fear love. I don't want to fear grief. I don't want to fear happiness. I want to open my heart, mind, soul to the universe and say, "Here I am. Let what may be, be and let me find joy in existing."
But for the moment, living with myself is a lot like watching Wimbledon. The wants go from one pole to the other in an unending match.
I'll figure it out though. And maybe I'll get lucky and get some help along the way, and some daily booty to boot.
; ))
