11:57 p.m. - 2006-09-08
On friends and love.
I went out almost by myself tonight. BSF was two hours late for our appointment at the bar, so I sat at the bar trying to be social. The bartenders were women who eyed me suspiciously. And everyone who sat next to me to order drinks either stared at me, or looked like they wanted to hit me because I was being stared at.
This is why I hate going out locally. People are cliqueish and paranoid. Its very hard to get to know people who treat you a like an alien.
The band members did acknowledge my existance, which softened up the bar tenders a small fraction.
Then BSF arrived, and we had a great conversation. We talked a projecting personality traits, feelings and charactoristics onto other people. And we talked about how people often go through an open book phase when a relationship is new where they'll want to be what the other person wants them to be, and be interestd in the same things, etc. When in reality, they've just projected those wants and interests onto the other person in the first place.
I can say that I have one relationship that's been completely free of these vices, or at least as free of them as possible. But its really hard work not to be needy, or not to want to conform to someone's desires when the relationship is new and you really enjoy their presence in your life. Or gasp! If you are into them. I don't know why, in particular, I chose this guy to be humiliatingly honest and intimate with, but it was a strong urge, and I've kept true to my desire. Its incredibly liberating, in fact. Not to have secrets from everyone. Not to hide my insecurities and silly little triumphs from everyone. To be able to tell a guy who's attractive, intelligent and charismatic that I have body image issues, have moments of extreme low self-esteem, or do stupid things with men, or worse.
When you've done that, there's nothing that can embarrass you ever again.
Wouldn't it be groovy to be that way with everyone in your life? To have friends and family who know you to the core, and still love/respect you anyway?
Its what I want. If I could give the people I love that gift, I'd have my life made. But its a tough gift to take. Its a naturally protective urge to hide ourselves from others to prevent getting hurt.
BSF is a good friend. And he knows a lot about me. But there are things I hide even from him and vice versa. Because as much as we strive to be intimate, we are wary of eachother.
Maybe it isn't meant to be with everyone. I'd like to have that level of intimacy with H. I just feel that there's so much more to him than he allows others to see. I get glimpses of it now and then. I see a faint glimmer of vulnerability when he looks into my eyes, then he shuts it off like a faucet. Its not that I want our physical relationship to change so much as I want to be closer friends with him. I have abond with him that's unlike any other. Not better, just unique and treasured. I miss my time with him. The quiet of the bedroom right before the shagfest. Those peaceful moments of soft chatter and almost openness.
I was usually the one to make the transition, because I am anything but patient in bed. No amount of Max's love making boot camp will remove that completely. But I was also scared to get too close.
I've lost that fear now. I want close relationships. I want intimate friendships. I want love, of whatever nature. Love comes in all shapes and sizes. I am capable of loving in as many ways as there are people. And I want to exercise my capabilities. I'm through with feeling alone in the world. An isolation of my own making. A protective moat of ice and resistance.
And if a big, ugly, tatooed, pierced man with lovely qualities of heart, mindand soul should happen to want in on the love fest, so much the better : )) Throw in a kilt on the odd evening, or morning, or afternoon...and the deal is sealed.
I never change.
