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10:03 a.m. - 2006-09-21
Working it all out.
Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? It amazes me that these folks, who seem to be in worse shape than me, can do what they do, especially in the first week. Can you imagine being at your local gym and having to jump off the elliptical to go barf, then hop back on?


In my best form, I don't think I could have exercised like these folks do. One girl lost 16 lbs in one week. That a LOT of exercise. I would have to go in the morning, on lunch and twice in the evening to match their workout schedule.

It is inspiring though. I remember a time long ago when I was 270 lbs. Amazingly, I was a size 20/22, solid, and looked pretty darned good. Good enough to model and get some money/free clothes for it. But man, I couldn't climb a hill to save my life, no less work out 4 times a day. But I started with once a day 4 times a week, and the pounds shed like magic.

I lost 70 lbs, got down to a size 12, mad nicely formed muscles, abs worth baring on occasion, and energy enough to make a 4 mile climb to an amazing summit, where I took in the view and ate half a PB sandwhich, because my dog ate my friend's turkey sandwich while she was talking and gesturing with her hands right in front of my dog's face - so I shared mine with her. That was probably the yummiest lunch puppy ever had.

I kept the faith for a few years, never breaking 200, because when you've been over a big number for a number of years, breaking through it seems like a scary, monumental task. I was happy where I was. Cholesterol was down, BP was down, I was breathing better, and I was really comfortable in my skin.

I wasn't comfortable with male attention though. Men can be real assholess around women they find attractive. It was the year of the penises, the year of the boobie grabs, and the year of the indecent proposal by the ass with the two inch penis.

I didn't like it. So I slacked. Then I got sick, and had chronic pain to deal with in my spine and my abdomen. Several surgeries later, here I am pudgy, size 16, and rather unhealthy.

I've been unfaithful to my yoga an dmeditation practice. I've been unfaithful to the gym. But, I have been faithful to the cholesterol lowering eating plan, and its working.

Watching that show last night brought to light why I've been shying away form exercise lately.

When you are as out of shape as some of us are, exerise is fucking painful. Every move you make causes a great amount of pain. And without someone to push you and tell you that you have no choice, who in their right mind would wish that kind of pain on themselves? Especially after years of chronic pain?

But, the thing is, Bob the trainer is right. Exercise will save your life. The exerice induced pain will decrease over time, the chronic pain will decrease due to the exercise, and eventually, I can stop fucking whining about all these meds I have to take to lower things that should not be high in someone as young and cute as I am.

God I miss my coaches. If it weren't for them pushing me, guiding me, I never would have been the athlete I was in highschool and college.

I admit that I have a dependency issue with working out. As independant as I am in most other areas of my life, I am a needy bitch in the gym. Funny, huh? And no, I cannot afford a personal trainer. There are a lot of things you can't afford when you are trying doggedly to abolish unworthy debt. So, its all me. Maybe I can meditate on channeling that track coach I had in highschool. The one who used to shout at me, "just one more,", which really meant 20 more.

Maybe that's why Sully gets on my nerves so badly when he gets on his "just one more" trip at the end of the night. Of course, he means budweiser, not bench presses...


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