8:34 p.m. - 2006-10-15
God I'm in a melancholy mood. Crying, crying, crying.
I'm mean, bitchy, impatient and I just can't stand myself.
The only thing I want is my dog, but I'd have to put up with my mom and step-dad to get to her. And I can't stand either one of them right now.
I don't even know why I'm crying. Have you ever done that? Just started crying and couldn't stop?
I feel miserable, lost and terribly lonely.
And I don't know what I can possibly do to make it different.
I never thought I'd find myself in the middle of my life alone and sad.
When I was a kid, I used to daydream about having a good family. Both parents, who loved eachother, and me, and a brother who gave a shit, and extended family members who gathered around to pitch in where help was needed. Friends to share secrets and adventures with, and maybe even a guy who was as insanely in love with me as I was with him.
When I gave up on having a nice family like that, I started looking for other families. There have been a few, but none long lasting, and I never felt like a true part of any of them.
So, that sort of makes me a loser, doesn't it? Always seeking, but not finding.
Crap. You know, I learned not to expect affection, understanding or compassion early on. And I'm afraid that it left me a bit cold on the inside. Maybe its just not possible for me to have those close loving relationships becasue I can't warm up the coldness anymore. I am 35. About halfway through this life. How can you relearn how to feel if there's nobody to teach you?
Maybe its just a melancholy evening and I'll wake up feeling more human.