10:38 p.m. - 2006-10-16
I learned that yoga has taught me about balance. Balancing east with west. Balancing strong with weak. Balancing in with out. Hatha. Balance.
I have taken the lessons to heart, and seek balance in every aspect of my life. I balance love with hate. Good with bad. Extreme activity with extreme inactivity.
But what I learned tonight is that you can't come to balance, if you can only live in extremes. You wear out. And eventually, something will bust.
My life has been lived in multiplicity. I have a different personality for each group of friends. I have a work personality that's been cultivated out of necessity. My business trip was an extreme test of that strong, sharp, confident, in control personality. Fearing that any moment might betray that I'm just a regular woman with a need to make money.
Then I got home, and I was so maxed out that I crumbled into a heap of crying, sobbing, miserable nothingness. Exactly the opposite of the previous week.
I fight so hard to keep up appearances and exceed expectations, then I play hard on the weekends, then I just collapse into a sack of potatoes at the end of the day because I'm exhausted from all the fighting.
I want everything at once, or nothing. I want my life to read like a favorite paperback novel or its not good enough. I want to be out of debt, or I build more to spite it. I want to be healthy, or I self-defeat to spite that.
Its so hard to come to center. Because it feels normal. And invisible. Being truely in balance means I won't be noticed, because I won't have needs.
The teacher won't say my name and correct my pose if I'm perfect.
But you know what else I learned? My teacher also calls out my name to praise me. Just for doing my best and finding the pose within myself.
I may walk around like a tough girl who doesn't need anything or anyone, but I'm really just playing a part. I need to hear my name in a positive light. I need to have positive contact with other humans. I need reassurance and encouragement like a regular person. I'm not that special.
Who would have thought that yoga could be so humbling and enlightening?
Maybe I'll be believing in God someday too. Miracles do happen.