11:47 a.m. - 2006-10-29
I've been off the net, in the dirt farming, playing toothfairy, attending local festivals, throwning candy at children, and all in all, removing myself from my usual routine and the usual suspects to be with myself and essentially find myself. Finding out who the hell I am without the input of alcohol, assholes, work, or anything else that may have influenced my path over the last few years. Its so easy to get caught up in routine and sit complacently for something to come along to change my perspective and stimulate my imagination.
Even in my most bored, unfulfilling, lonely moments, I clung to my routine and crutches like a drowning rat.
No more. I have a life to live that has nothing to do with revolving around the lives of others no matter how much I love them. I think we sometimes mistake dependency and neediness for happiness. That co-dependant little band of assholes was formed by love, by need and mutual interest. But it lasted longer than it should in the same form because we were all clinging to our youth and the way things used to be. We never grew up.
Now we're all floundering to figure out what those relationships mean now, and how we'll hold onto them while growing independantly. And we'll do it. But it may take even more separation to make the relationships better in the long run.
I feel a lot like an animal that's been caged for a long trip across the sea who's been unleashed on a huge field of green. I have a tendency to stifle myself in relationships of all sorts. The only one I've been really good at is with my northern friend. It comes naturally. I wish everyone were so easy to enjoy, yet not absorb. Know what I mean? Kindred spirits who value eachother and the gifts we have to offer without the need to implant ourselves up eachother's asses, or morph into eachother.
Who knows. I'm rambling now.
Anyway, much love to all of you. I've been away for along time, not reading or writing. So it may take me while to catch up. Or I might just start fresh from here and see what new things I discover.