10:20 p.m. - 2008-04-10
Like the skips on a broken record...
Hey all! So, I've noticed that this job thing has caused me to live with my head so far up my ass that I'm barely living in the real world anymore. I've been so out of touch, even with my closest and most beloved friends like Sixweasels, YOU, Dee, Batten, Eastportgirl...
And I'm not even certain that I know what's going on with me. The mose stressed and important I get, the less I think, adn the less attentive I get and I totally suck, and end up either bullshitting or cramming stuff in to keep up.
I'm brilliant one moment, dumb ass the next, my self-esteem is in the dumper, and I don't enjoy stuff anymore, because my brain has been so rattled and re-wired by the job that I never get a break from it anymore. And my blood pressure is going out of control again even though I'm on meds.
And they're making me get a Blackberry.
You know what that means.
On call, all the time. So if I'm having lunch, or doing laundry, or drinking with my friends, or having sex - I have to have my fucking Blackberry with me and answer it and check my email.
Yes, I'm being financially compensated, but the stress and self-esteem issues are eating me up and I'm spending like a maniac and not paying off the credit cards. So I need the money, so.....
Its insane!
And I'm beginning to see the very strong division between those that know everything, and me - who uses logic and intuition and not much data to understand things. Because I have no patience for data. And I wonder whether they will figure it out and kick me out of their exclusive little club. Sometimes I wish they would.
I'm meant for something different, I know I am.
I just don't know what.
Broken record, broken record, broken record...
