10:20 p.m. - 2008-04-10
And I'm not even certain that I know what's going on with me. The mose stressed and important I get, the less I think, adn the less attentive I get and I totally suck, and end up either bullshitting or cramming stuff in to keep up.
I'm brilliant one moment, dumb ass the next, my self-esteem is in the dumper, and I don't enjoy stuff anymore, because my brain has been so rattled and re-wired by the job that I never get a break from it anymore. And my blood pressure is going out of control again even though I'm on meds.
And they're making me get a Blackberry.
You know what that means.
On call, all the time. So if I'm having lunch, or doing laundry, or drinking with my friends, or having sex - I have to have my fucking Blackberry with me and answer it and check my email.
Yes, I'm being financially compensated, but the stress and self-esteem issues are eating me up and I'm spending like a maniac and not paying off the credit cards. So I need the money, so.....
And I'm beginning to see the very strong division between those that know everything, and me - who uses logic and intuition and not much data to understand things. Because I have no patience for data. And I wonder whether they will figure it out and kick me out of their exclusive little club. Sometimes I wish they would.
I'm meant for something different, I know I am.
I just don't know what.
Broken record, broken record, broken record...