4:23 p.m. - 2008-05-18
What do I need to do to erase the "will kink for food" or whatever the hell sticker is on my forhead? Because I really do NOT want to happen again.
I must have a desperate single thirty something smell identifiable to wierdos. Oh, and baby daddies. With babies in hanging from their hands in little baby carrying plastic doohickies.
I have to admit, this guy was really hot, but he shouldn't have been flirting with my while carrying a baby and with his angry wife in tow.
In short, nothing much has changed. Still getting hit on by the WRONG people. And not getting anywhere with the nice, straight ones with penises.
Oh, I have to write this next bit, and I'm sorry, because I know some people read this, and its really pathetic, but I need to get it out. So, sorry...
Anyway - I woke up this morning in the middle of a heart wrenching sob. I didn't know people cried in their sleep.
But I was having a dream about my dog, who passed away about a year ago, and in the dream, I had just had her put to sleep. And I was crying so hard, heartbreak all over again, and I woke up still sobbing and heartbroken.
I don't thing I should have any more pets. Because I obviously am unable to deal with the grief if I just dreamed this shit this morning. Really, I don't deal with grief well at all. It never seems to go away. I mourn people who've been dead for over two decades.
Is that the reson I'm single? Because I'm afraid to have yet one more person to worry about losing? It makes sense. And it doesn't. But it does.
Yes, I'm confused. Its not you, really.
But then, I wonder if having someone to love would actually help? I mean, it has to be someone really worthy, and it would have to be mutual, because I really want it to last. But it would be nice to have someone in particular to share all the burdeons of life and joys of life, and all the humorous moments of a day with.
So, you see, I have a quandry. I want someone really bad, but I'm afraid he'll die. Or, I guess abandon me in some way. So I am all yes, no, yes, no. And I know that comes across. Thus the interest from inappropriate people.
Someone knock some sense into my heart.