5:01 p.m. - 2011-01-29
Still dealing with the unfathomably sad and scary slow death of my step-dad. He's lost his arm movement, most of his leg movement, and about 3/4 of his speach now.
My days go like this now:
Wake up groggy, eat something, maybe shower, maybe just put hair up to make it look like I tried, go to work grumpy, overwhelmed with new responsibilities, and the complete lack of humanity that's being driven through the ranks. Eat lunch, sometimes something in a can out of my desk, back to utter inhumanity, go to nursing home to visit step dad who waits all day by the front doors looking out in hopes of a visitor, eat, do paperwork and queue up questions for lawyers/doctors, email VA people, research ALS and figure out what to tell the nursing home staff to do for step-dad, crash in front of TV, and start all over again the next day.
And if you are going to say something about taking care of myself, yada, yada, don't bother. It's just not possible at this juncture. I have way too much on my place, and I'm not willing to take a several step demotion, let my step-dad go without proper care (his Nurse's Aide fell asleep while feeding him last week, then spent the whole night in the room watching basketball, the fucker), etc.
I have no support system, and the only light at the end of the tunnel is the one my step-dad will see whan he passes.
I'm pissed off, exhausted, scared, and looking for an escape hatch.
I went to accupuncture this morning, where the accupuncturist sat me down and made me cry just looking into my eyes and acknowledging that I existed. Nobody has bothered to give me more than a pat on the shoulder or a work of quick encouragement or a list of ways in which I am handling my life all wrong.
This guy is seriously empathetic. He saw what was going on, sat me down, looked into my eyes and saw everything. Then be bothered to acknowledge me and what I was feeling, and explained what I had ben seekingot explain for a long time. My brain has taken over the reins in my life, me emotions are slapping me upside the head because they want control, and my heart and spirit have been locked away in trunks for safekeeping, when they should be keeping things in balance.
It's so true. I've been trying keep the wolves at bay at work, protect the weaker ones, protect my mom, protect my step-dad, travel... My spirit has been schmushed. My heart had been pounded. My brain overtaxed. And my emotions haywire.
Not that this was ever going to be a good time, but this pattern of heart and spirit squashing when times get tough has been imprinted onto my being.
I have escapes, like books, bubble baths, shopping, food. But no nourishment. No ways in which I can lay back and recharge. I have no coping mechanism once my brain finally gives in, and my emotions take over.
I'm so there...
If this time is teaching me anything, it's that I'm not super-Zen. I'm very smart, but I don't need to prove it to anyone but myself. I want to bring my heart and spirit out to play, but I don't know how anymore. But, I think I do have a heart, because I think it's breaking, and has been for a long time.
I've been so vain and self-consious at the same time. Try keeping up with that...
I've wanted so many things that I prevented myself from having.
I've desired spirituality deeply, but rationalized myself right back out of it.
These are patterns set way back when I needed to disconnect from myself for self-preservation. It's what I learned to do, and I do it very expertly.
Accu-man is starting to teach me how to undo those knots. Along with his treatments, his compassion and willingness to share his own experiences to help me understand mine have been invaluable.
I feel like I exist now. Someone has seen the me I keep invisible. And I let them. I didn't throw up the super-Zen shield. I didn't hide my tears. And he didn't shoo me away like so many people do when I speak about sad, scary things. He actually accepted my tears and my frayed edges and knew that those did not make up my worth as a human being.
So, I'm sending out a special thought to Accu-man. He may never know how valuable he has been to me.