10:21 a.m. - 2006-02-01
Where I am.
I've been thinking a lot about Yoga lately. Remembering the feelings of peace, challenge, opening, flexibility and awareness of my mind and body that lit up when I was fully dedicated to practice. When I first started, seven years ago, I was also taking a meditation class, which complemented the yoga practice beautifully.
That was the beginning of my self-discovery that to this day is an ongoing process of questioning opinions laid down as "truths" which I have found to be erroneous or downright manipulative and dangerous.
Coming from a place of fear and torment, I spent the majority of my life breathing, eating, sleeping and meeting expectations. Floating through without a notion of self-worth. Living each day in order to survive. Even into adulthood, the fear and torment integrated into my psyche in a way that crippled my ability to think or speak for myself, make decisions, or have relationships.
Yoga changed that. Yoga put me in touch with the brain/spirit/body connection, making me aware of the disconnect that existed between my heart and my mind. My heart was always true, and bled daily for the loss of life that was my existance. Yoga brought my heart into focus, and I began to understand the messages that my body was trying to relay to me.
I saw my face as a book. Each expression a window into my tormented, disconnected soul. I began to realize why people thought I was angry or sad all the time, even when I felt relaxed and happy. My face told the truth. Always. Because my expressions came from my heart, which knew that my brain was crippling its ability to feel the happiness, joy and contentment that people feel when they are the masters of their minds, beliefs and actions.
When I would try to look happy, I would look like I was in pain, when I was feeling passionate, I would look angry.
When I felt nothing, I would look deeply sad.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I've always hated that. I don't have a poker face. I can't lie, because my face betrays me. But, its because of this transparency that yoga was able to lead me to transformation. I am transcending the pain, the fear, the shame, and beginning to know my own mind, and be truthful to myself and others about what is in my heart.
Having reached this point, I can look at others, and feel sorrow for their lack of enlightenment. I watch people I know, people I love, continue on the path to disconnection, believing the truths that formed them, and it hurts. I want everyone to be as lucky as me. It was grace that taught me about myself. Grace that gave me the ability to look at the big picture and see where my beliefs came from and how they integrated into my life. Grace that taught me how to separate lies from truth and discard what was unwanted no matter the cost.
Somewhere along the way, in the last couple of years, I've lost the affinity for yoga and meditation I once had. I lost the connection, sacrificing it for a more intensive scouring of my brain and heart that left me unable to incorporate anything else into my life. And pain from my pre-surgical condition became a focus that disabled me to a point of non-caring.
But, more and more lately, I have been feeling a return to my roots. The roots that I planted myself. And feeling a readiness to incorporate them back into my life, which is now on the cusp of thriving. There was a time when connecting my mind, body and spirit would have been too painful, due to the extreme disparities among the three. But now is a time for integration. The healing on all levels feels right. Not complete, but definately ready.
I'm breathing an audible sigh of relief.
