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9:43 p.m. - 2006-06-15
Help! I'm a freak!
I'm having heart palpitations.

I just put a deposit down on a car.

420 a month.

Double the insurance, so 50 a month.

More $ for gas, but still relatively economical.

I got a flyer that they were having a buy back event and called. And went in. And drove a couple.

And found the one I want. It was the more expensive one, but it looks so freakin' pretty. Its the one that caught my eye. Its not ugly or dark like the other ones. Its pretty dreamy. For a car... I went with it because the height (suv) was perfect for my back. No pain entering or exiting. 27 miles per gallon hwy - which isn't awesome, but not horrible.

But I keep thinking about the fact that my job might be changing, or going away, and better gas milage of even an Accord (34 mpg) would make more sense these days - though the price is the same...

I am wondering whether this is really the right thing to do, because its a gorwn up car, and I'm not a real grown-up. People who live in tiny apartments don't spend money on nice cars...

Maybe I should have bought used and dealt with an unfavorite color.

Maybe I should have waited.

I can still get my deposit back.

Its 1060 under invoice, and they gave me 1200 for my trade which is more than its worth.

And, I'm feeling guilty and a little sad about giving up my first real new car. We've been together for 10 years and 160,000 miles.

And, I wonder if the panic attacks are just a symptom of a deeper issue with committment, or if its really the payments.

I'll be getting a raise in February, if my job holds out. I've been there 11 years too.

Now I get why its nice to have a hubby/live-in lifelong mate, whatever. It would be nice to have someone else to make the decision with. Someone else to help carry the burdon of the choice.

This leaves me maybe not so free to take off on plane trips whenever I want to. My spending will have to be cut way down. Which, on paper it works. It works fine. I'm just so scared, and I don't really know why. I guess, other than an apartment, and my job, this is the only committment I've had to make since 10 years ago.

Tell me to breathe. Tell me its a alright. Tell me I got a good deal. Tell me I'm smart, capable, and not a freak.

Tell me that this SUV will somehow make life brighter, happier and be worth every penny. Because, I can throw down 400 bucks a weekend on cabs, food, and clothes/shoes, or a plane ticket to see a man I like. But 420 a month, every month, for 60 months is killing me.

Its the committment phobia thing. Isn't it? And I'm not one of those people who gets off on a new car. Although, I did have to have the nicest one on the lot...

I'm going to sleep on it.


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