10:47 p.m. - 2006-08-29
Settling.
I thought I wrote an entry today, but I see I didn't. Maybe I wrote it in my head.
I've been really unhinged lately. I can't remember the simplest of things, I'm disorganized, my work is sloppy. I'm not sure what's going on. The memory thing is really bothering me. I'm afraid that I'll walk out of the house one morning in my underwear or something. Or leave on lunch break and forget to go back to work.
Its weird and I don't like it.
I have been obsessing over the vacation thing for a few weeks. Maybe its that. Its all booked now. I have 8 days to schedule yet, but I guess I'll take them at home. There's really nothing to do.
Maybe its about time I started considering this place my home. I feel the need to be rooted somewhere. All these years of being a vagabond have worn thin. I've been running, and running, and running. Trying to find a place I could call a home and people I could call family and mean it. Yet, it all seems borrowed.
I wish I had a family that loved and celebrated one another. A famiy that did not treat me like a freak. An outsider. We're all outsiders in my family. Everyone standing in his or her own space and counting the minutes in eachother's presence.
I don't want to live out the rest of my life like that.
So, maybe this place is home. And I am my family. And maybe that's enough. I'm so bloody tired of seeking and getting slapped in the face. Maybe what I want can't be sought, but only happened upon. So, I'm throwing in the towel. It is what it is. And I'll build upon what I have.
And maybe next year, I'll find a place to buy and call my own. A place truely mine. Land, a house, something solid and grounded. A place to thrive in and enjoy. No more running. No one place is any better than the next. I've been all over. I should know that by now. And this town is better than most. It has a wonderful little vibe. The job will suck forever, but its money, and maybe some day I'll publish that book, sell that painting, or do that something brilliant that will make the job superfluous.
I wonder what Wednesday will bring.
