11:49 a.m. - 2007-05-06
I've spent the last month at my momma's house caring for her after surgery and my step-dad through chemo treatment, and the dog through Alzheimer's induced behavioral, emotional and general insaneness.
Mom is doing well, but becoming much too dependant on me emotionally. I'll be moving back to my place after mother's day and a business trip to LA. And I can't wait! I need my own space like I need air and food. I never realized how much I prize my posessions, apartment and alone time without family or animals to rely on me.
The dog has taken to pooping ONLY inside the house, and bathing in it. So in turn she needs to be bathed up to four times a day. Its a real back breaker. She's no longer the dog I knew and loved. She's nasty, foul, filthy and depressed. Her spirit is gone. I guess that's what happens to animals and humans when they contract this disease. Its horrible. Yet, She's a life, and I want her to choose her own time to release it. And I can write this without crying, mostly, because I have mourned the sweet, funny, intelligent, loyal, complex, emotional dog I fell in love with. I've been mourning her for two years.
My step dad seems to be doing well. I hope he contimues to do so, because I don't want to face what to do with my mom if he goes. She can't live alone and I won't have her live with me. If I do that my own spirit will die and I'll never have a chance at the relationship I crave with a man I respect, like, love and madly want to shag.
Speaking of whom, I still have not met him, but I did meet a nice wine buyer at a local liquor store who seems to coem up to specs. We talked for a half hour, he recommended a crappy wine, which I went back to tell him about like he asked, but he wasn't there. But the old man who works with him was and he laughed at my description and promised to pass it on.
And I went out with the peoplephobe who talks to plants, wears plaid pants and talks weird, and had a wonderful time with him eating dinner, drinking tea and walking around under the stary sky. We talked about free love, fuck buddies (he laughed himself hoarse at that lable - he doesn't cuss at all), and his ten year abstinence from sex in total.
He's a very interesting person, and I like him, but he's way too intense and disconnected from reality to think of as a life partner.
So there it is. My love life. Or lack thereof. But I am feeling, very, settled lately. I'm not feeling those desperate feelings, or wishing on stars, or feeling somehow less than par because of the status of my left ring finger, financial state or J.O.B.
I'm feeling, peaceful. Its fleeting, I know, but I'm tired of beating myself silly and fighting with myself over every little thing.
Oh, and I noticed when I went shopping yesterday, that I'm down a size. I had noticed that my clothes were getting baggy, but I thought it was all in my head. I guess not. The Sunday's at the gym must be helping with something. I'm starting off small, so as not to overwhelm myself. I want it to be a natural progression of desire to move and get strong. It works for me.
Its a new gym. One owned by my yoga friend's cousin. Its small, no nonsense, friendly and fun. I love it.
I suppose that's enough for now. I don't have internet access from momma's house, so updates will be sporatic.
But, hello everyone. If your life is rough, know I'm thinking about you. If its going great, I'm happy for you.
Be back soon!