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3:00 p.m. - 2003-04-28
Hoochie mommas and the unbathed
I hadn't seen my breasts in public for a very long time.

Since the cruise last year actually. I usually don't go all hoochie momma, unless I leave the country. This past weekend, however, was an exception. It was cold and damp out, but the boys had abandonned P and I . They called from Rt. 50, halfway to the ocean saying, " Hey, are you coming?" Duh!!!

The boys they are so special. They brings tears to my eyes. Often the tears result from the gaseous man-fart cloud following a night of drunken munching, but sometimes, its their flagrant disregard for any bit of formality or respect. Are we coming? Uh, um, going to the beach last minute with the biohazardous so that we can watch them pick up equally biohazardous women and stay in the same hotel room?

Perish the thought!

So, we hoochied up P and I. We bought revealing dresses (mini skirt for P, and a slinky low cut number por moi). We grabbed her cousin, let the parts of our bodies that have been burried under sweaters and jeans breathe and shook our asses till the wee hour of midnight, then yawned and went home.

BUT, we had a great time. Somehow being around the boys is an adrenaline booster and makes me stay awake much longer than is humanly possible at 32. Without them, I'm afraid I'm a midnight yawner. Given the new dress, and a new admirer (little guy at THE BAR who dropped a wad of cash on me, P and the cousin a couple nights in a row)and the blastign off at midnight, I felt a bit like Cinderella.

For all those who may be stricken to hear that a modern woman like myself allowed a strange guy to spend lots of money on her for booze -- rest assured that I left a few bucks with the bartender to spend on him. I can't be a kept woman ya know!

Which leads me to The Lie. You know when someone really likes you and is making moves and is actualy sexually repulsive to you, but really nice? Yeah, you know. That was this guy. So P, the cousin and I came up with a whopper to throw him off my scent.

I am now dating one of The Boys. Sully to be exact. The whore who doesn't bathe on the weekends, because it may affect his alcohol levels is my make-believe boyfriend. I couldn't have made a worse choice. As we're making up conversation, P and the cousin get really creative. Here's how it went:

Me: Hey, did you know The Boys are coming back from the beach tonight?

P: So, I guess you're in for an early evening, huh? Getting laid, right?

Cuz: So, are you going to make him take a shower before you do the bumpity-bump?

P: Yeah, cause ya know he hasn't bathed in a few days

Me: (Laughing so hard, I'm crying while attempting to play pool with the nice repulsive guy.)

Me: (Somewhat recovered) So, did ya hear Sully's putting in a garden tub? He knows how I love bubble bathes!

P: Wow, that's a big step, pretty soon we'll be havig a baby shower for Sully junior!

Me: (I choke on my Coke, and some of it goes up my nose.)

Cuz: Are you OK? I guess you're pretty excited about getting a little nookie from your man tonight. So, tell me, what's it like really? I mean, does he have a big dick?

And it goes on and on, and in truth, English is this guy's second language, so we don't really know whether this whole conversation is working or not. Meanwhile, I'm bending over the pool table trying to knock the balls into holes (oh, dear, the images) and keep a straight face while lying my ass off about dating one of the cutest, smartest, funniest, most unkempt men I know.

It would have been a lot more convincing if I had picked Rico Suave instead. At least I used to have a crush on him, and make out with the guy on every possible occasion.

Alas, its never the ones you want who want you back. Is it? But there is much fun to be had on the journey!

I hope you've enjoyed this little exerpt from the Tao of Zencelt.


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