1:39 p.m. - 2004-02-23
Listing what is and what will be.
I have come to realize that the last year has been an exercise in obsessive behavior. I've obsessed about my job, I've obsessed about my finances, I've obsessed about my health, I've obsessed about my family, I've obsessed about my dog, I've obsessed about free time, I've obsessed about food, I've obsessed about weight loss, I've obsessed about appearance, I've obsessed about personalities, I've obsessed about my friends, I've obsessed about my brains, I've really obsessed about men... The list goes on and on.
I haven't been able to breath, sleep or think without interruption from my obsessive brain.
It's over. I see it now. I see what I did to myself. It starts small, then grows so wide and tall that you can't see beyond it anymore, and it becomes reality. But its not real. Not this overanalyzed, small existance. My limitations are the result of my creation.
This Lent will be a exercise in limits and expansion. Two opposites living in harmony. Balance.
I will limit self-doubt, self-criticism, denial, laziness, food for comfort, unhealthy foods and inactivity.
I will expand my horizons, my brain, my heart, my soul, my physical ability, my love for myself, my relationships with good people, my activities, my hopes, my dreams, my faith, my self-worth, my desire, my goals.
I'm going on a cruise in a little over a month, and I've been worrying that I won't have enough fun. I've been worrying that I won't feel good about my body, that I won't feel physically fit, that I won't be able to settle in and truely enjoy being ON VACATION.
I've been so obsessed with the next few weeks that I've been attributing negative karma around the cruise.
It stops Wednesday. Ash Wednesday has been part of my life since I was born. Lent has been a constant. The church has been a family that I can visit with all over the world. Wherever I am, there's a church. I may not believe in any or all of the doctrine all the time, but its still home. For that comfort, I will give back a bit of myself. And in the end be a better person for it.
The age of ME, ME, Me is over. The only ME will be the one I love who is strong, intelligent, empathetic, independant, talented, loving, rightous, well-meaning, sensitive, adventurous, ambitious, encouraging, calm, present and well.
May we all have peace, love, hope and happiness within and without.
