1:19 p.m. - 2004-09-23
The shit I was brought up on.
I've come to a very hard realization that my mom is a negative influence on my life, and a strong one. I build a barrier, put on a happy face, and relate to her as if she were normal. But every second in her presence is painful. She takes all the happiness away just being. She's THAT negative. Nobody knows this but me. Because she puts on a happy face for everyone to see and they don't understand how lethal she can be.
She doens't mean to be. She has had her own traumatic experiences that have formed her, and well as choice. But she is lethal nonetheless. And I have finally realized that I am right, she is wrong, and that is A.O.K. I wish it were otherwise, but that is a child's wishful thinking, and not a beautiful, intelliegent, loving adult's knowledge of what is.
I want a good mom, I want my dad back, I want a good brother and decent sister-in-law, a decent step-father and I will never have them. I will survive the repeatedly traumatic childhood, and early adulthood, and may even thrive. But, they never will. They will never transcend the binds of the lies we have believed since birth. The twisted, perverted set of rights and wrongs that were ingrained in my brother and I by a woman who is too sick to know right from wrong.
Its sucks. Royally. Because I crave love and the intimacy of family. That's why I've been so hell bent on having one of my own. I want to create what I never had.
But, I am smart enough to know that I want it for the wrong reasons. I would probably unintentionally screw up a child by the act of intentionally not screwing it up. You don't create a family to receive love. It doesn't always happen, no matter what you do. That's why my mom had us. She was lonely, and needed love and decided to make babies. And look where she is now.
Its no wonder I'm a screwball. I admit it. But, I am working through the hard parts and doing pretty well. I may actually make a fairly well adjusted person out of myself one day. Once I break free of the shit that was my upbringing. No matter how adult and independant I become, I keep finding underlying "truths" that are false, and need to be re-recorded the right way.
Its a really long road. And I thank my lucky stars that I have good friends behind me all the way. They are the light at the end of my tunnel.
I think I'm done for the day.
Yes, that's quite enough introspection for one day.
