2:34 p.m. - 2005-09-16
On faith.
A friend asked me over the weekend whether or not I believed in God.
I immediately answered NO emphatically. Not meanly, but just a off the cuff, impuslive no.
It really hit home that I have no belief in any god.
She asked if it was because I was raised Catholic, and was brought up to fear God. I answered, no. I wasn't brought up to fear God. I had nice, intelligent, caring priests who taught me to ge good and follow the rules, and that if I screwed up, God would forgive if I was truely contrite.
No big deal.
I have been to other churches over the years. I've had many protestant friends in evangelical chuches who invited me to go with them. The kind of churches that are always drumming up attendance and tell their parishoners to bring all their friends like its a contest.
I've been to mainstream churches, independant churches, Synagogs, Wiccan services, Unitarian services, Greek services... Never with the intention of searching, or finding the right church for me. I never felt the need to search. I always felt at home in the Catholic church. Whatever country I was in.
I still call myself Catholic. I don't follow all the rules. I don't try to be perfect. I don't even go to mass.
I don't believe in God.
I just don't.
I don't need proof, I haven't come up with any pseudo scientific reasons, I am not angry or repressed, or traumatized by my childhood church experiences (except for those times I went to other churches with friends and their pastors called me out as a devil worshiper, because I'm catholic). True story, in more than one denomination.
I simply do not have faith.
I have prayed, I have read scripture, I have gone to Mass and tried to believe.
It just isn't there.
Its kinda weird sitting around not having faith. Like, I have no fall back. No governance. No structure.
I don't need those things, but I rememeber how simple the world was when I had them. Faith and belief make the world very simple. If you have to make a decision, do to the Bible. If you feel bad, pray. If you've been bad, go to confession. Every Saturday/Sunday, go to mass.
Conformity, uniformity, consistant parenting throughout your lifetime.
Sometimes I wish I had it. I like the idea of knowing where I will go when I die. I like the idea of someone else being responsible for every little thing about myself and this universe.
Its like being a kid and going to mommy and daddy to fix everything.
I'm not surewhy I wrote this. I think because I was surprised to hear myself say I don't believe in God. Its one thing to think it, and another to hear myself say it. I feel like a heretic.
Like I'm being bad and will be punished.
But faith is not a choice. Its an existance. I can say all the right things and still not believe a word because I am faithless.
So there you are.
I am a Catholic that does not believe in God.
Oh well...
But, I still wear my St. Andrew medal and pray now and then..."just in case".
