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10:23 p.m. - 2005-09-26
Everything and nothing.
I've been such a boring Zen lately. All work, no play.

Can I tell you a secret though?

I've been having fun at work.


Don't tell anyone.

I love a huge work thing where issues are flying and I'm able to keep my team calm, happy, enjoying life and productive.

We kick total ass! And nobody is freaking out, losing it or having a cow. We're all just having fun with eachother and "gittin her done!" I actually like this bunch I'm working with.

Anyway, all my thoughts and energy have been going to the big work thing and I have had nothing left for anything. Even at J's we talked about work and did some preparation. She's on my team too.

I've been using my brain and my skills to keep my team intact, while doing the political thing with big wigs and customers. Its a rush. A relief.

No self-analysis, no worrying about the sonogram, no perseverating on the Sully situation or Six's/Mr Weasels's.
I tend to take too much to heart and feel pain/division deeply even when it isn't mine. I haven't admitted it, but Sully and his sister are really scaring me to death. I've been wanting to distance myself from him, getting angry at his behavior - using the anger as justification for not being there for him.

Its just so hard balancing caring for myself and caring for the people I love. I used to be a caretaker. Never complaining, never expressing a need or want. Always agreeing with whomever I was speaking with.

Now that I'm expressing myself and discovering my needs, and trying to stop putting others first, I've found myself in an uncomfortable position. I'm rebelling against everything that used to give me comfort. I'm feeling a need to be rooted and stable. I'm feeling like I want to settle in somewhere instead of waiting for something to happen. Always thinking that next year will be the year, and then finding that next year is just a continuation of the previous year and the wait continues. I don't even know what I'm waiting for.

I think I'm growing up.

What a wonderful sad thing.

This could be an adventure too.


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