11:09 p.m. - 2006-01-20
More whining.
Still in a funk. I've been down, feeling lonely, disconnected all day. Everything is boring.
Ever have a day like that?
Max called. We have NO phone chemistry. We always end up saying the same ole things over and over. It's like I can't think of one single interesting question to ask, or story to tell. I feel bad. Like I'm wasting his time and he's wasting mine.
But then, I think back on the time we spent together, and with Six and I feel like I'd miss him if he were no longer on the other end of the phone.
God I'm confused. I'd love to follow my heart, or follow whatever fate has left out, but I haven't a clue about either.
I think the lack of an occupation for my mind is really getting to me and making me crazy. Yet, I've been so sick that actually doing something, like going to The City, or doing volunteer work is out of the question.
I sure hope I bounce back soon. We had lovely weather today and I sat in the sun for a couple minutes. I didn't walk. Even that doesn't interest me. Everything is either too much or too boring.
Boring. Boredom is my vice. It gets me at every turn. Makes me get into trouble, makes me feel bad. I'm bored with my life, my activities, my reading material, my music, my entertainment, my apartment, my work, not working, everything.
I have a constant need to be stimulated, and feel like I'm starving to death without it. There is an underlying cause, I know. I do not know what that is. I'm sure its some sort of mental state that I just need to figure out and fix like everything else.
Blech.
